AUGUSTINUS THE ARTIST...

"When I finish a painting I stand back to admire it and while I'm admiring it I'm wishing I had a wife so that I could throw her through the fucking canvas headfirst."
      
YELLOW TEETH
ACRYLIC ON CANVAS WITHOUT FRAME
24 INCHES HIGH (600 millimeters)
18 INCHES WIDE (450 millimeters)
SIGNED AND DATED ONE OF A KIND ORIGINAL

$750 (Free Shipping)

"The husband of your best friend has hung himself over the crib of their third child and you're in charge of the wake.  Of course you're having a shitload of guests over.  You've lit long aromatic candles and purchased a ham from the supermarket and the still mourning wife of the deceased has brought with her (to the wake) home-made mashed potatoes.  Additionally you've put out about a dozen signed (by the widow) poster size color photographs of the dead man hanging above the crib (police photographs, one shot even shows the child in the crib playing with her fathers hanging shoelaces) and everyone is eating and talking and just plain enjoying themselves.  They'll  probably talk about your wake for a day or two.  But, they'll talk about your wake for years when they see Yellow Teeth hanging on the wall in your bathroom."
 
-Norm Augustinus




SINGLE MOM WORKING AT DILDO FACTORY $275
5x7 MATTED and FRAMED WATERCOLOR ORIGINAL
17.5 MM X 12.5 MM (Free Shipping)

RIPLEY WORKS AT A DILDO FACTORY IN FLORIDA.  HER JOB IS TO PAINT THIN BLUE LINES ONTO EACH DILDO USING SPECIAL FLEXIBLE PAINT THAT WILL BE BAKED ONTO THE DILDO FURTHER DOWN THE ASSEMBLY LINE.  THE BLUE PAINTED LINES ARE PUT ONTO EACH DILDO BY RIPLEY BECAUSE THE DILDOS ARE ADVERTISED AS BEING, "LIFELIKE."  HER SUPERVISOR (NAN), HAS TOLD RIPLEY AGAIN AND AGAIN THAT, "NOBODY WANTS A DILDO THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A REAL DONG AND REAL DONGS HAVE LOTS OF BLUE VEINS."  AT THE DILDO FACTORY NO ONE IS AWARE OF THE FACT THAT RIPLEY HAS STOLEN HUNDREDS OF DILDOS AND WHEN SHE IS SHORT OF CASH SHE PUTS THE HAND PAINTED RUBBER DONGS INTO A BASKET (ALONG WITH HER FIVE-MONTH-OLD DAUGHTER BRITNEY) AND SELLS THEM AT NIGHT (AND INTO THE EARLY MORNING HOURS) WHILE STANDING IN FRONT OF A 7-ELEVEN NEAR HER HOME.  SHE ALSO SELLS BOILED PEANUTS AND CHASTITY BELTS MADE FROM FLATTENED ARMADILLOS THAT HAVE BEEN HIT BY AUTOMOBILES. 

  

FOUR MEN AND THEIR DICKS  $275
5x7 MATTED and FRAMED WATERCOLOR ORIGINAL
17.5 MM x 12.5 MM (Free Shipping)

THESE FOUR MEN LIKE TO WALK THROUGH WOODED AREAS WITH THEIR DICKS OUT.  THE MAN ON THE FAR LEFT (DUNCAN) IS A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.  HE AND THE OTHER MEN ENJOY IGNITING MAGNESIUM CAMERA FLASH POWDER JUST BEHIND THEIR DICKS (AND ABOUT ONE FOOT FROM A TREE). WHEN THE FLASH POWDER IGNITES IT BURNS A SHADOWY PERMANENT BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF THEIR PRICK ONTO THE TREE.  SOMEDAY THE FOUR MEN HOPE TO GO TO NEW YORK CITY WHERE THEY WILL BURN IMAGES OF THEIR DICKS ONTO TALL BUILDINGS.

A MAN A WOMAN AND THEIR CEMENT MIXER $275
5x7 MATTED and FRAMED WATERCOLOR ORIGINAL
17.5 MM x 12.5 MM (Free Shipping)

BECAUSE THE WOMAN (MARIBEL) HAS ACQUIRED SUCH A MASSIVE DILDO COLLECTION THE MAN (KELVIN) IS BUILDING A SEPARATE STRUCTURE THAT WILL HOUSE THEM. THE DILDOS WILL BE PLACED ONTO CUSTOM GLASS SHELVES AND COLORED LIGHTS WILL BE AIMED AT THE DILDOS AND THERE WILL BE A SPECIAL CODE NEEDED TO GET INSIDE THE DILDO MUSEUM USING AN ELECTRONIC EXTERIOR KEYPAD.

DADDY'S DONG $275
5X7 MATTED and FRAMED WATERCOLOR ORIGINAL
15.5 MM X 12.5 MM (Free Shipping)

A ONE ARMED WOMAN (HOPE) IS HOLDING A FRAMED PORTRAIT OF HER DECEASED FATHERS PRICK.  STANDING NEXT TO HER IS HER BIG DICKED FIVE-YEAR-OLD SON (OSCAR) AND HER BIG TITTED SIX-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER (PIPER).  ON THE FAR RIGHT IS CHALKY RODRIGUEZ HER ENORMOUSLY HUNG LOVER FROM PUERTO RICO. 

 

AVA'S FIRST DILDO $275
5X7 MATTED and FRAMED WATERCOLOR ORIGINAL
15.5 MM X 12.5 MM (Free Shipping)

IT WAS A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS FOR AVA KINDLESTONE.  EVER SINCE AVA COULD REMEMBER SHE HAS WANTED A DILDO, "JUST LIKE THE ONE MOMMY HAS IN THE NIGHTSTAND NEXT TO HER BED."  2009 WAS AVA'S BIG YEAR BECAUSE HER MOM PURCHASED (THROUGH THE WILDLY POPULAR TODD HORSETRUM ADULTS ONLY MAIL-ORDER CATALOG) THE RENOWNED STARTER DILDO MODEL NUMBER 302-L KNOWN WORLDWIDE AS THE "ABRAHAM LINCOLN RAIL SPLITTER."  AVA'S MOTHER HAD TO FOLD THE MODEL 302-L IN HALF TO GET IT TO FIT INSIDE THE GIFT BOX AND WHEN AVA OPENED THE PACKAGE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING HALF OF THE 18 INCH GENUINE RUBBER "ABRAHAM LINCOLN RAIL SPLITTER" DILDO FLUNG ITSELF OUT OF THE HOLIDAY GIFT BOX AND INTO THE EYE OF HER YOUNGER SISTER, GRETA.  EVERYONE DECIDED IT WAS A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOMENT AND DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHS WERE TAKEN AND SENT TO ABSENT MEMBERS OF THEIR FAMILY VIA TWITTER AND FACEBOOK.