9 May 2008


 Dear Regular Reader/Listener:
My latest Podcast (9 May 2008) I look for buried treasure on a beach in Florida only this beach doesn't allow treasure hunters (no metal detectors allowed).  Find out how I thwart beach officials by using my custom detector toboggan, a blowup doll and a zippered vinyl lunch bucket.  Recorded live on tape using an Edirol R-09.  Direct Mp3 show link here.  

My Latest Essay (May 1, 2008) She wanted me to repair her Shark.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (2 May 2008) Clearwater Beach, the movies, Brickhouse and the heel of her shoe, my invention and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (April 25, 2008) They got me on videotape, the Band-Aid I almost swallowed, Cosmopolitan magazine, the shopping cart at Walgreens.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Essay (March 29, 2008) The amazing Sleep Number Bed.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (April 18, 2008) Jim Wilson, the bicycle built for two, her Harley, I took the bus to pick up my package, the clogs and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (April 11, 2008) Her car broke down and I was going to assist her and the story about the rogue wheelchair that slammed into my vintage Caddy (while at the Wal-Mart).  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (April 4, 2008) Get with lots of chicks using my revolutionary breast megaphone sound wave method, the squirrel I helped and how best to use a hacksaw when cutting through bicycle frames.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (March 28, 2008) She phoned from Georgia to tell me that I'm a crybaby.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

 Essay (Feb. 16, 2008) She said I took her parking spot.  It ended in violence with me hiding out near a garbage dumpster for several hours.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (3/22/08) Held against my will in a behavioral science ward.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

 Podcast (March 14, 2008) One out of four teenage American girls and my amplified audio pleasure stick idea with weatherproof speakers.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (March 7, 2008) Her Dormia Space Age foam mattress (continued), remove pesky pubic lice (crabs) from pubic mounds using an inexpensive lint roller, make paper mache toilet seats that collapse when someone sits on them, my lemon cake comment and the mall security guard, I fell off a Wal-Mart exterior wall ladder while carrying a pillowcase chocked full of custom made dildos and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Feb. 29, 2008) I hurt myself by falling into a deep hole, a woman phones me and says I'm Vulgar and I get a free 50 gallon drum of Pliatex casting rubber.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Feb 22, 2008) The defective bed, the buy, my shoes, tooth fillings and lots more.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Feb. 15, 2008) My parking lot ordeal with the angry middle-aged bag. Direct Mp3 show link here.

Essay (Jan. 4, 2008) My date with the prosecuting attorney.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (Feb. 8, 2008) More problems from the ice fishing rental guy, her wine store (and my dildo idea), Gloria and the 7-Eleven Incident and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (February 1, 2008) She said I needed ten friends, the toilet flush button, always use a lint roller before handling the genitals of your lover, masking tape, doorbell buttons, at the movies and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Jan. 25, 2008)  I rent an ice fishing shanty on Houghton Lake in Michigan and it eerily resembles a Vietnam hot box.  Help!  (Live in field recording using an Edirol R-09).  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Jan. 18, 2007) The phone call from the woman in Seattle, my long lost nudie Polaroid pictures, my new menopause pad invention, I hit myself in the jaw with a jar of spaghetti sauce and I get flushed out a walk-in bathtub and end up in a Tampa hospital.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Jan. 11, 2008) I drove them to the airport and something bad happened, the attorney and her rewrite demands (regarding my essay), my date stood up at the restaurant and informed me that I wasn't, "Normal,"  my $250 dumping fine and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (Jan. 4, 2008) Her kid lit my car on fire, the Christmas beating, dad and the boat and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

 Essay (Dec. 3, 2007) I gave her a sweater.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (Dec. 28, 2007) The airplane in the crotch incident, my mood ring observation, my sleep dicking incident, my hand job from the woman living behind Kmart and I played Twister with her kids and her daughter was a Double-D.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (12/21/2007) I'm invited to go on a hunting outing on a rural 500 acre piece of land in upstate New York (near Blue Mountain Lake).  I bring along my .357 handgun and my 12 gauge shotgun.  Be my guest on my special holiday hunt.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (12/14/07) Free Nordstrom gift via helium balloon, paper-mache Christmas tree toppers, Smitten For Clinton, the methane explosion, let's make a snowman, my Christmas lovemaking story.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (12/7/07) The Omaha shooting, create fake (sand filled) paper-mache Christmas gifts (and throw them at people in Wal-Mart parking lots), vacant or occupied, Hanukkah gifts, my doorbell torch gig and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (11/30/07) I talk about my four days working at a Christmas tree lot in Buffalo, New York.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Essay (Nov. 16, 2007) I kill my own turkey.  Read all about it.  Go here.

BONUS POEM (11/23) - Lake Toho.  I asked her to go on an airboat ride in Orlando Florida and she brought her kid with her.  Direct Mp3 link here.

Podcast (Nov. 16, 2007) Learn how to make rock hard, miniature, paper-mache holiday turkeys that you can throw at people and hopefully knock them unconscious.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Essay (Oct. 30, 2007) It's Halloween time again and when you destroy jack-o'-lanterns it feels good.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (Nov. 9, 2007) I've got my rifle and I'm in a swamp in Florida and I'm gonna take out a woodpecker but the whole thing winds up a grizzly, horrific, unbelievable, bloody mess.  Remote field recording using an Edirol.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Nov. 2, 2007) Chanukah, the death of my dad, attire for pregnant women, their toy, the clogged chicken artery, her acrylic nail.  Direct Mp3 Show link here.

Podcast (Oct. 26, 2007) Helpful hints, artificial hips and knees, a sandwich made with heels, walking on sharp tissue and nearly dying, Halloween invention for chicks.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Essay (Sept. 29, 2007)  They ain't gonna cave in my fuckin' jack o' lantern.  Read all about it.  Go here

Podcast (Oct. 19, 2007) This Halloween get lots of action with my invention, baby poop sifting update, Mathew 18:20, another complaint, masking tape on hotel carpets (what I recently found), and the one place you should be using lint rollers.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Oct. 12, 2007) A game I invented that you and your old lady can participate in together during Halloween and it's like the log roll that lumberjacks compete in but it's for women only and it's a lot more difficult.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (Oct. 5, 2007) I destroy a wheelchair strapped to the back of a 1976 Chrysler Cordoba, breasts, germs, pink Energizer batteries and a whole lot more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (Sept. 28, 2007) I try to purchase a couple of White Widow marijuana seeds and the buy goes bad.  Real bad.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

 Essay (Sept. 4, 2007) At the McDonalds she told me that her father had been eaten by Jeffrey Dahmer in 1991 and then we did it.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (Sept. 21, 2007) The unexpected phone call, my dream about Maceland, sleepdicking, breast-feeding and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (9/14/07) She asked me to come over to re-caulk her bathtub, my diaphragm flower pot and while sifting through baby poop in the mall (using my latest money making scheme) I found a coin and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (9/7/2007) When you're walking down the halls and your balls hit the walls and how you can make big money by sifting through baby poop in public restrooms.  Direct mp3 show link here.

Podcast (August 31, 2007) How to brick your neighbors router, I caved-in the Toyota Yaris, the best way to return your inkjet cartridges, my (at birth) age advancement idea, facial detection specialists at airports, the big baby bird landed on my hood and the story about the girl that told me her father was eaten by serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Essay (July 27, 2007) Her bath bomb and my latest greeting card.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (August 24, 2007) You aren't ever getting a call on your iPhone, the guy from Vietnam, she asked me to videotape the birth of her child, 18 Wheeler, dead chicks with unfinished business, Ginger Heights and much more!  Direct Mp3 Show link here.

Podcast (August 17, 2007) Use masking tape in your hotel room to detect pubic hairs, me naked and standing on a Sit 'n Spin at your bridal shower, if you're pregnant please stop trying to be sexy, get action by putting on a fake garage sale (I'll tell you how), I get an unexpected call from a police detective who suspects that I'm drilling holes into car doors and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (August 10, 2007) Rare in the field recording offers step by step instructions on how you too can fill car doors of people you've never met (with cement) and the story about the cat that beheaded my bird friend.  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (August 3, 2007) Cloning puppies from the DNA of Doo Drop, my rubber band vibrator idea, the contraceptive sponge, 18 Wheeler, filling car doors with concrete and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

 PHOTOGRAPH - DOO DROPS COFFIN

 Podcast (July 27, 2007) I accidentally pushed my foot through the lid of Doo Drops homemade coffin, I was nearly arrested by a Florida game warden, chicks with broken bones, I found panties in a supermarket, the famous woman that Fed-Exed me the GPS unit and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Essay (June 20, 2007) Greeting card ideas.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (July 20, 2007) In my dream I'm making love in a dumpster, her VCF saved the day, my new living art invention, hymens in amber (fossilized tree resin), scary cracking noises in my private area and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. 

Podcast (July 13, 2007) The unexpected phone call, the Volkswagen, the Ivory Billed Woodpecker and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (July 6, 2007) Pregnant women, Jean Brown, Mister Roboto, my underwear cannon update, the Jet Ski incident and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (June 29, 2007) The Black Widow spider and the Diamondback rattlesnake den, the Canon camera TV commercial, ghosts, my dream with the girl using the walker, my July 4th underwear cannon, my new United States postage stamp invention, the kid bagpiper and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.
Podcast (June 22, 2007) I hate your family and especially your friends, older women looking for younger men (Cougars), Dolphins looking like vibrators, Crest Pro-Health toothpaste and your sexual needs, my Virginia Tech inspired invention and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (June 15, 2007) My coming of age speech, the bait box lid knocked her unconscious, the seahorse I killed with my own urine, my empty rubber love pods I left at the motel, my new invention, chicks with broken legs and lots more.  Direct Mp3 show link here.  

 Essay (May 25, 2007) Friday morning (5/25) I headed over to a pre-Memorial Day party in Tampa.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (June 8, 2007)  My friend the physical therapist, the KFC Big Bowl verses the Big Hole, the comedian Margaret Cho with a brush cut and no lipstick looks just like the Virginia Tech gunman (Cho), Yahoo Answers, the kid that nearly killed me and lots more.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (June 1, 2007) Magazine covers, 100 million people are doing it, Panera Bread, the fish filet incident, at the beach, Wal-Mart, Neosporin, Silverjet, Eclipse Fusion gum, the women only floor at the Marriott.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Podcast (May 25, 2007) She sweeps up hair at Forever 21, Betty Crocker carrot cake mix, my dream, her dog food, Kmart Wall of Honor, the oak hash pipe incident.  Direct Mp3 show link here.

Essay (May 2, 2007) She's got a cat and she calls it Sandy.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (May 18, 2007) I spend the day at Universal Studios, Florida.  Direct MP3 show link here. 

Podcast (May 11, 2007) The rabbit foot for my mom, my Steak n' Shake dream, the Easy Button, the hearing aid, mood panties, my litmus paper Hallmark card idea and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

My newest song (Feb. 11, 2007)  Anna Nicole Where Are You?  Listen to the MP3 here.

 Podcast (May 4, 2007) The judge dismisses her case, a hovercraft for her, my constipation invention, the Apple window display, the package I received and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (April 27, 2007) The 29 injured Virginia Tech survivors, chicks with broken bones, I don't care if it's your birthday, honeybees, my handicapped guy in the wheelchair scary movie idea and more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (April 11, 2007)  Podcamp NYC.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (April 20, 2007) Virginia Tech, my underwear in the hotel safe, Rolo candy, her missing fingernail polish.  Direct MP3 show link here. 

Podcast (April 13, 2007) The restraining order, my airport search, the big woman on the plane, Miriam, Podcamp NYC.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (April 5, 2007) My new FAA invention, her face peel, more Honda 70 troubles and lots more!  Direct MP3 Show link here.
Essay (March 14, 2007) My skin birdhouse idea.  Read all about it.  Go here. 

Podcast (March 30, 2007) California Red Bud and someone ratted me out.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (March 24, 2007) I bought the Honda 70 at a flea market and I was going to impress her with my skills.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (March 16, 2007) The electrocution in the Caddy, the self igniting fragrance releasing semen sock, the dog park, supermarket skin, hot wax, a new national registry, the bowling alley and more! Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Mar. 9, 2007) The supermarket, the pelican, the fair, world anthem, my corn cob invention, new semen sock model, chicks with broken legs and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (Feb. 14, 2007) My greeting card invention.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (March 2, 2007) Sometimes I hear my stepfather, toilet bowls, the coffin/casket idea, Quiznos, my sock invention, Wal-Mart Easter baskets, the fat pelican and more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Feb.23, 2007) White teeth, the shopping cart incident, the atomic clock vibrator idea, the syringe I stepped on, her worn toilet plunger handle and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

 Podcast (Feb. 16, 2007) The parking lot fight (with a woman), good schools, ice-skating, girls with broken legs, aspirins, fake box of chocolate invention, bowling, his answering machine and more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Feb. 9, 2007) Vending machines for transients, combination book light/vaginal cameras, your cell phone ain't never gonna ring, gumball machines with my prize inside and poor Watson didn't have a chance.  Direct MP3 show link here.
Essay (Jan. 27, 2007)  Emma and my self-adjusting birdhouse.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (February 2, 2007) She needed the air raid siren, she used her Roomba robotic floor vacuum to suck up condoms, free cocaine at the bank, educational vibrators, blue ice, my dinky, how you too can perform delicate sexual moves like a seasoned safecracker, she was violated by someone she trusted and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here. 

Podcast (January 26, 2007) Grandma, Sleep Number 69, Morse Code at the mall, red pubes, the locked toilet tank at McDonald's and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.
Essay (Jan. 10, 2007) It's an unwritten rule of the road.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (January 19, 2007) Toilet training, India, the splits, Sadie's Portraits, the sign at the playground, the kite at Clearwater Beach, her bubble machine and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Jan.12, 2007) Airport toilets, the arts and crafts store and the squirrel buried in the drawer.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast  (Jan. 5, 2007) Stanley Steemer, my door-to-door sales job, programmable panties and lots more!  Direct MP3 Show link here.
Essay (Dec. 15, 2006) Christmastime with my mom when I was  a kid in Detroit.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (Dec. 29, 2006) A girl I dated while attending college is dead, at the mall and her pants disintegrated, my photographs in the water pipes, vibrating chairs at the mall and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Dec. 22, 2006) Fossils, American Express, iPod Mattress Kit, Heelys, condoms in bookstores and her unusual Xmas tree.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Dec. 15, 2006) Christmastime, Shim-Shin-Do, The Starbucks orgy, the metric system and lots more!  Direct MP3 Show link here.

Essay (Dec. 8, 2006)  The woman juggling the cell phone and the girl that wrapped gifts at the mall.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (Dec. 8, 2006) The parabolic dish, she was wrapping gifts at the shopping mall, her cat doesn't like me, dust and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. 

Essay (November 30, 2006) I was gonna be the star in her video until I almost burned to death.  Read and see all about it.  Go here.

 Podcast (Dec. 1, 2006) I've planted hypnotic suggestions into your sleeping kids ear, I don't like your friends or family, they questioned us about our trunk action and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Nov. 24, 2006) My new invention, love in my Cadillac trunk and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (Nov.17, 2006) My custom made just for you shoe store idea, Yankee Candle, Feliz Navidad, love at a bank and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (Nov. 15, 2006) She asked me to help her put her Christmas wreath up.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (Nov. 10, 2006) A psychiatrist calls me, shoes at Nordstrom, miniature golf and the bird lady, the septic tank crying out for help and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (November 3, 2006) Tide-To-Go, the cassette recordings I made as a kid, my Jell-O Jack O' Lantern and Electro Boy.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (November 3, 2006) Hunting for mourning doves with Kathy O'Neil.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Video (Oct. 25) Be a baby again, get inside a giant snow globe. See it over at iTunes or click here.

Podcast (October 27, 2006) The Halloween hayride (for singles) and the pumpkin you can carve that'll get you chicks (guaranteed). Direct MP3 show link here. 

Podcast (October 20, 2006) The basement, Halloween and the stains that became all too clear.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (October 13) It was the last thing I saw before I fell into the furnace and it haunts me.  Direct MP3 show link here.
Essay (October 12, 2006) Shopping for pumpkins and Devils Night in Detroit.  Read all about it.  Go here.

 Podcast (October 6, 2006) Corn dodgers and cans of beans and the squirrel I screwed up.  Direct mp3 show link here.

 Podcast (9/29/2006) Using my revolutionary system/method you'll know more about that dead person than you ever did when they were alive.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (10/2/2006) Birds sucked out of birdhouses and shot into foreheads.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Essay (9/23/2006)  Her mattress and I'm having second thoughts about helping her.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (9/22/2006) She found a diamond ring.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (9/16/2006)  My latest invention.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (9/16/2006)  Shopping for clothes at Dillard's.  Read all about it.  Go here. 

Podcast (9/8/2006) Everyone in America is actually humping one another in a small wooded area.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (9/1/2006) Sarasota, termites, my transparent plaster mousetrap.  Direct MP3 show link here. 

Essay (8/29/2006) Her new hump.  Read all about it.  Go here.

 Podcast (8/27/2006) Gifts for me, my invention, the movies and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (8/18/2006) I worked at a pancake benefit and a retard there nearly got me killed.  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (8/11/2006) Metal detecting at the historic park.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (8/11/2006)  My lawnmower had to go and the supermarket incident.  Direct MP3 show link here.

 Podcast  (August 4, 2006) Metal detecting at the historic park, the bowling alley and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.
Poem (7/31/2006) The loo.  Direct MP3 link here.

 Essay (7/25/2006)  Her period.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (7/28/2006) Park Rangers, good neighborhoods, chain-of-humping, depression, her rock tumblers and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Podcast (7/21/2006) My diary, the Mexican jumping beans and the bird nest, the scab from her kid stunk (and smoked up) my car, Randy, his mom and the whistle and lot's more!  Direct MP3 Podcast show link here.

Essay (7/11/2006)  She needed help setting up a Lionel train.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast (7/15/2006) At the movies, my arrest, fiber optic fishing, the propane mousetrap and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

 Podcast (7/7/2006)  I went camping with the daughter of a dead trucker, the portable solar shower, Mac the poodle and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Poem (7/5/2006)  I was digging for worms and then she came out.  Click here to listen.
Podcast (6/30/2006) The roller skating rink, salt crystal lamps, the 4th of July with grandmother and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (6/24/2006) Her own termite treatment plan.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Podcast  (6/23/2006)  Your zipper, in the department store restroom, the bird nest invention, the beekeeper and lots more! Direct MP3 Podcast show link here.

Dan Klass mentioned me in his popular podcast (The Bitterest Pill).  Hear it here.  Thanks Dan!

Podcast (6/16/2006) The wind-up flashlight, the stench of her stitches, the toboggan, the motorized bed and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.

Essay (6/12/2006) Nerf Darts and veneers. Read all about it.  Go here.
Comic Strip Blogger featured me in one of his world famous comics!  See it here.
Podcast (6/9/2006)  The wine drinking lovers at the movies, her dentures, Universal Studios and lots more!  Direct MP3 Podcast show link here.

Podcast (6/2/2006) Pubic pillows, on the pew with the red head, the laundry basket alongside the highway, KFC and Reese, the restroom inspection form and lots more!  Direct MP3 Podcast show link here.

Essay (5/29/06)  The Memorial Day gathering.  Read all about it.  Go here.
Podcast (5/26/2006) Models and the subtext of their pose, the sound machine near her bed, sex in a gopher turtle den, the kids toilet in the family restroom (lined with squares of toilet paper) and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Podcast (5/19/2006) The young pinko, the bowling prize, get chicks using the gerbil on the exercise wheel scam, metal detecting and the sexual story behind the book I donated to the Jerome K. Jerome museum.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay (5/15/2006)  At the movies.  Go here.

Podcast (5/12/2006)  Mothers day, the cheeseburger fell through the rusted out hole in her floorboards, the maple syrup that wasn't and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Podcast (5/5/2006) The Blair Witch chick, the party bus, a leather mallet between her f-ckin' eyes and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

 Podcast (4/28/06)  If Ross hadn't come in I might be brain-dead right now or deceased even and I was called in to identify a pair of panties.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Podcast (4/21)  She called to say I spelled 'thong' wrong, the after-hours Easter party and how the guests (at the party) told stories and laughed and drank 'til it was my turn to tell my story, the walnut engraved box filled with her dead moms hair and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here.
Essay (4/18) The spiral notebook.  Go here.

 Podcast (4/14)  I was gonna find coins from long lost Spanish Galleons (and jewelry) or maybe just a shark tooth but instead I found some other things, Easter at my grandmothers and the never before told story of my sister Sandy who just can't get enough.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay (4/10) At the movies in America.  Go here.

 Podcast (4/7/06) There were pubic hairs stuck in the clear coat atop her acrylic nails, Benny the parakeet was killed when the old man shit his pants (again), my metal-detecting anti-rape motion sensor and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Essay (4/4/06) A telephone call from Sharon Stone?  Go here.

 Podcast (3/31): Her punky kid ripped my car apart, juggernaut hips, Nora and me ball on the handicap ramp and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Podcast (3/24):  Jerry gets certified, chicks with broken bones, Vivian, Benny the parakeet, her father crapped his pants and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Essay (3/24): The pie judging competition.  Go here.

 Podcast:  I trapped a raccoon and he was gonna love me and we were gonna be friends and I was gonna teach him tricks and I was gonna awe and amaze my friends and then the raccoon that was really a rat bit the end of my finger off so he had to f-ckin' die.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Essay.  She asked me to install her dishwasher.  Go here.

Podcast:  I was gonna score big so long as I transported her new dishwasher to her house and then removed the old one and then installed the new one and then took the old one the f-ck away.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

Podcast:  Mister Clean, hymenoplasty, the foam bed, found panties (and brassiere) and the slip and fall.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Download my hot single, Get It On.  Direct MP3 link here.

 Podcast:  Hope plus doubt equals desire, the pitching machine, the coffee girl and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
His China lady, inside the trailer, trouble at the theater and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

She worked at the pie factory and she told me to call her Pie Bitch, Valentine's Day, the lady with the space-age foam mattress, great men like Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln didn't swear and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

 She's not gonna sue me now thanks to plaster of paris, I found copper coins that were really IUD's, the slot car track, the Morning-after pill, your orgasm face frozen forever for future generations and the bird that probably committed suicide.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

 Elexa Freshening Wipes by Trojan, 100 million people doing it in America every day, the dangling modifier and personal pronoun, swearing, the chick that left a permanent impression of her body onto her Dormia foam mattress is suing me, vibrating rings, citizen band radios and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

 The Miss America Pageant, the memory foam bed, the panties I found at the mall, the programmable light-emitting diode (LED) belt buckle and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

 I'm in the family restroom at the department store and waiting just for me is an abandoned diaper filled with fresh shit.  He died and she says he lit up the room when he'd enter it, Little Boy, Cosmo Magazine, cell phones the post office and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

 Dan Klass of The Bitterest Pill and co-author of Podcast Solutions mentioned me in his super popular Podcast.  Thanks Dan!

 I'm at the restaurant and she says she doesn't like what she sees after she's cracked me open.  My portable toothbrush fiasco, she's in the hospital again (after another suicide attempt), the mouse that had to die, my pigeon, porn and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.
I'm at the movies and I'm sitting between two people kissing and petting and on my right the guy looks like the Unabomber and I'm pretty sure he's playing with himself, a trip to the Super Target store, grenades, 50 bullets to my forehead, over confident women and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Essay.  Go here.

 My mother phones me and complains about the piece I sent to Madge Weinstein of Yeast Radio and I was invited to a Christmas party and they were telling Christmas stories and they were good touching stories and all American and then they asked me to tell one.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Essay.  Go here.

 I met her at the Apple Genius Bar and we drank and then we went to her house in Tampa and she popped the lid on a can filled with sex stuff (Can of Sutra) at which point she proceeded to throw handfuls of body dust at me.  Years ago my woman and I would go metal detecting together and while we were detecting we'd make love in and around all the abandoned buildings we'd explore; plus rubber band gun fights and more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Essay.  Go here.

Two-thirty in the morning and I'm standing inside a Wal-Mart writing Tonight You Die on Etch-A-Sketches and I drop a pair of my underwear inside a Toys For Tots donation box.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

A letter from Cedar Falls, Iowa.  Go here.

I put a sex doll that had three love holes inside an inflatable yard decoration and because of that the cops came into my house and found my XLR microphone cable hanging from the closet shelf ( I do the Podcast in the closet) and thought that maybe I was into autoerotic asphyxiation.  My mountain of pus grandmother says I'm a bad seed and she only allows me to use one sheet of toilet paper when visiting.  Shopping for Christmas trees inside Christmas tree tents in Florida must be similar to being inside the Hanoi Hilton, my mom walks like a Nazi and lots more.  20 MB.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
  
Essay.  Go here.

My California friend Wesley married a woman who once knocked him unconscious with a Coke bottle (while he was sleeping).  Did my dad expire 'cause of a malfunctioning electric blanket?  My flickering electric candle, Baldy my hairless cat, the skeleton costume and how I once fell asleep in a running car (in a closed garage) and was saved from certain death by a pretty red-haired girl named Nancy (but I still ended up in a mental institution).  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

My thinking as to why there isn't going to be a lot of American females rushing to become suicide bombers.  Read my latest essay.  Go here.
I went to the movies and settled into my seat with my Nestle Sno-Caps and my iced Coca-Cola and real quick I was overcome by the strong stench of moth balls and I date a chick with a kid and she's buying him a DVD called Baby Genius.  How come all Americans think their kid is above average and brilliant and destined for greatness?  Surely some American kids are just fat, carb consuming idiots who'll never amount to anything.  Probably your kid, even.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. 

It's the day after Halloween and she asks me to help her dump her prize winning pumpkin.  Essay.  Go here.

A woman living in the United Kingdom phoned me and said that I've been using the word DONG incorrectly.  She informed me that the word DONG when handled properly can be delivered in a sensual, gentle, pleasant manner, unlike the way (according to her) that I've been using it.  I write a song and sing it a-cappella, I also talk about the end of the world, dead cats and a load of other stuff.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.  Song lyrics, HERE.  Dong Song only click here.

Essay.  Go here.

I met her late at night inside a Subway sandwich shop inside a Wal-Mart Superstore and we ended up donging one one another on the hot asphalt between two parked 50 foot trailers left behind by a couple of big-rigs.  She's gone and I'm thinking now that she might have been the ONE for me.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.  

I used the restroom at the movie theater and thought there might be a camera hidden in the air vent above the toilet (aimed at my dong) and someone left a diaper choked full of shit atop the fold-down baby changing table.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

She says Russian made electromagnetic generators are being used to alter the weather in the United States.  Read my essay.  Go here.

 I wore the same stinkin' skeleton costume every Halloween for seven years in a row and I think my mom once tried to kill me (On Halloween night).  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
Videotapes and the Al-Qaeda.  Read my essay.  Go here.

Ann Todd was mine 'til she turned her head and spoke to me and I cut down George's tree house.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

 She waited for me on my porch.  Read my essay.  Go here.

 I stumble across a rare (if not extinct) Ivory-billed Woodpecker while walking through a swamp near my home.  Direct MP3 link here.
They dug her great grandmother up and I'm not gonna get robbed when I'm dead and laying in the funeral parlor.  Direct MP3 Link here. 

At a nightclub in Tarpon Springs with Sylvia.  Read all about it here.

I sent away for a egg incubator from a comic book and the lady living next door tells me how hard they're trying to have a baby.  Direct MP3 link here.

On first loves and Sue and Nora in Michigan.  Read the essay here.

A 400 pound dolphin charged me and nearly took off my testicles.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Donna Lindsey, the fair outhouse, the squirrel I took out and my dad the drinker.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
It's the 4th of July and I'm at my grandmothers house.  Read the essay here.

On the 4th of July we hid and when I was a kid my mom referred to my penis as, "Your dinky".  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

I had five years of piano lessons and can't remember even one note and I used to remove the dead cats from under our rented house in Detroit.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

For the 4th of July I'm shooting underwear into the sky.  Read my essay.  Go here.

My mom threw Duke's frozen body over the fence, the church bake sale, I helped a chick change her tire and my unique  invention that will prevent me from getting raped when I'm dead and lying on the slab at the funeral parlor.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

I date this girl in Tampa, my favorite Taco Bell is now a porn place and Wes, my friend from California, would like me to mail him a few plates of stuffed Grape Leaves.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

She doesn't want anything to do with a vibrator designed and manufactured by men.  I use bits and pieces of our conversation and assemble them into an essay.  Go here.

My friend from California finally leaves, thoughts of my beautiful English ex-girlfriend and my starving friend with no money buys a paper shredder.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Memorial day with grandma and my university friend.  Go here.

He's visiting from California for the holiday weekend and he's here for three days and an hour into it I want him to go home.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

Mating positions, Marbles, 7-Eleven Slurpees, my mom and Memorial Day.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.
A day at Clearwater Beach Florida, the pregnancy test and the overweight dancer.  Go here.

She was my Aunt Doris and I did some yard work for her and it went on for three days.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

My hamster died and I'm gonna give it a burial-at-sea.  Podcast from Clearwater Beach Florida.  Direct MP3 link here.

Turtles for sale and romance in a dog park.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.

I was gonna impress her with my fastball.  Go here.

Her teeth were gone but I still wanted her.  Go here.

Mother's Day and the birdhouse, my cat, getting porked when I'm dead, the frozen drink machine and skeletons.  Direct MP3 Podcast link.

(See photo of Baldy the hairless cat and the birdhouse I made for my mother for Mother's day).

She had her picture on her Visa charge card.  Go here.

They were bonding at the ceramic shop and I found some weed in a salt shaker at the Salvation Army Store.  MP3 Direct Podcast link. 

Roller skating.  Go here.

I met her at the tire store.  Go here.

We drank coffee at Starbuck's in the International Plaza in Tampa, Florida.  Go here.

Eileen and me.  Go here.

I met Lorrie Lynn at a Sunoco gas station and she asked me to stop by on Christmas day.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Thanksgiving day in Miami with my grandmother (and friends).  Go here.

Time spent at the shopping mall.  Go here.

Halloween is over and now you've got a used-up jack-o'-lantern on your hands.  Read about my dad.  Go here.

She was a somewhat elderly woman and she liked the company of your correspondent.  Go here.

What I was doing as Hurricane Ivan approached.  Go here.

I was selected to work for the 2004 Republican National Convention Host Committee.  I hid a camera in my sock and flew posthaste to New York city.  Go here.

What I did during Hurricane Charley.  Go here.

Teresa Heinz Kerry, Laura Bush, John Kerry and beer.  Go here.

Camping in Key West, Florida.  Go here.

I met Madison in the sporting goods department at a Wal-Mart.  Read all about it...Go here.

Monkey chow and adult diapers (for hips size 40-55).  Read all about it...Go here. 

I found an interesting shopping list at Wal-Mart and studied it and learned a great deal about the life of it's author.  Read all about it...Go here.

Ice fishing in Big Rapids, Michigan...Go here.
Little candy Valentines and cheese fondues and some dude going headfirst through a windshield...Go here.

It's a singles club meeting...Go here.

I was at the shopping mall and I went into the restroom.  I hope you never see what I saw.  Read all about it.  Go here.

Read the picture book, 
HALLOWEEN AT GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE.  Go here.

They were my family and now they're stars in my Christmas picture book!  Read, CHRISTMAS WITH The McFARLANE'S.

He's been laid off and it ain't good.  Read about Hank's fall and rise.  Go here.

If you're into holiday keepsakes check out, THE ORNAMENT.

Spend some time with a necessary dreamer.  Enter the world of ROOTY ROGERS.  

SAMUEL ROSS is 87 years old. His family wanted the best for him so they sent him to Sandy Acres retirement home located in the Sahara Desert, North Africa.  Read this gripping first person account of his terrifying ordeal...

Driving through Waldo, Florida?  Maybe you'll meet up with the law.  I did.  Come and meet CHIEF A.W. SMITH in this true tale.

Finding a job isn't easy, especially with the Human Resource Professional standing in your way.  Check out the picture book, A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A HUMAN RESOURCE PROFESSIONAL.

If you've ever fished, read ICE FISHING, the short story.

Now I must get going. I've got loads of stories to write and hopefully forty or fifty years left in which to write them.


 Best,