27 August 2010 Dear Regular Reader/Listener: NEW!  My Latest Podcast (8/27/2010) 29.7 MB  You're at the bar with your lover dancing and drinking and laughing. Learn what's really going on while you sit at your table next to the dance floor with your most special hump. Ten things you must absolutely know. Learn 'em. Pass 'em on.  Direct Mp3 show link here! NEW!  My Latest Essay! (25 July 2010) She lived inside an industrial trash compactor.  Read all about it.  Go here. NEW! POEM! (Length: 3 minutes) Listen to the story about an unfortunate early morning car fire.  Find Encare on my main page under the heading, Shorts or listen by clicking here! Podcast (8/20/2010) 32.9 MB  Metal detecting at the abandoned farmhouse. Me and my hump check out the oven, the washing machine, the water well, the barn and even the doghouse. Additionally, learn how to make a bowling ball using twelve pounds of Spanish Fly!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (8/13/2010) 31.0 MB  Clam digging with Mia, my polymer third leg idea for chicks, ghosts, McDonald's, sure fire money making schemes, the letter to Isabella and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (6 August 10) 32.2 MB  His turbo button, her bad dad, kiss me down there, digging for worms near the stream alongside the tree stump, try breaking the board against the grain, she was ten years younger 'til I found out otherwise and I work as a volunteer for the National Kidney Foundation!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast!  (30 July 2010) I'm booked to perform comedy at the Family Fun Night in Winfield, Kansas. A local Winfield resident named Edwin Pettipondle gives me a hard time and how I made five friends in only four hours and it only cost me twenty five dollars!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (23 July 2010) 30.9 MB  My hotel/motel super heavy lead smoke detector idea, the Traverse City Cherry Festival and the bottle of cherry wine, the martial arts dojo, supermarket shopping carts, her Dormia Memory Foam Space Age Mattress, the sudden bizarre death of her painted turtle and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay (6/6/10) She wanted me to come over and work on her air conditioner.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast!  (16 July 2010) I make an emergency trip to the house of my grandmother and on the way to Miami I'm thrown one situation after another. Additionally, since loving a gal on the kitchen floor of an abandoned farmhouse I've been performing private, extremely odd solo experiments on myself.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (9 July 2010) 32.4 MB  How I unloaded a hundred Independence Day black snakes, my metal canister idea, my underwear cannon exploded, my bag of cunt lint for only  $2.99, my tree stump money making scheme, metal detecting at the old farmhouse and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (2 July 2010) 32.4 MB  The Tuesday night incident after my Hebrew Scripture study group, smoke bombs, my Independence Day underwear cannon, Corky, Macular Degeneration, the vegetable, the eight hour line for the iPhone 4 and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast!  (6/25/2010) 28.4 MB  This show was recorded live on tape while in the House of Sex in Charlotte county Florida at the Smith Brothers Traveling Amusement Park. DON'T MISS THIS ONE!  Direct Mp3 Show link here! Podcast (6/18/2010) 30.4 MB  The real oil spill we should be concerned about, Bandit dug his own grave, air bubbles in the tub, emergency panties, my soundproof tent idea continued, cadavers and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (6/11/2010) 29.4 MB  Walmart Kaleidoscopes, I dumped Bandit in a trailer park, my improved soundproof tent idea with photographs, sons or daughters, the enema I require of you and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (4 June 2010) 29.8 MB  Out of focus cosmetic television commercials, I shoot out three more iPad screens, her second floor window air conditioner, soundproof tents and lots more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay!  (4/26/2010)  My fake door with the window with video.  Read all about it.  Go here! Podcast! (5/28/2010) Kite fishing, my much improved helium balloon idea, my backup plan floor mat strategy, hotel math with regards to its occupants, my new stage act and info about the big titted chick I'm working with, my Memorial Day holiday barbecue scam guaranteed to net you truckloads of pussy and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (5/21/2010) 29.5 MB  Mister Sandman for under twenty bucks, my inflatable beach ball head appliance, I shot out three more iPad screens using my BB gun pistol with silencer, my Crisco oil invention and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (5/14/10) 30.4 MB  Two women at a Laundromat, one woman at an outdoor tanning salon, my iPad handle idea, the human experience vending machine, my very low frequency (VLF) metal detector and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast!  (5/7/2010) 34.2 MB  I go metal detecting with a woman at the Ocala National Forest and we find an old abandoned house and behind the old house is an intact outhouse.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast!  (4/30/2010) 33.5 MB  My letter to the corn cob pipe company, my iPad stove idea, my fingers are still wrinkled, my purple fingers idea that could make me rich, the telephone call from the park ranger, the Polaroid camera trick, don't be alarmed and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (4/23/2010) 31.4 MB  My corn cob pipe fiasco, 206 bones, my wrinkled fingers, the good advice from the mushroom farm supervisor, the eagle nest, my special handy panties, don't be alarmed and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay!  (10 March 2010) The Toilet!  Read all about it.  Go here! Podcast! (4/16/2010) 32.6 MB  My odd dream, my underground pipe idea, suction cups with stickers, broken pelvic bones, something I ask all my chicks, let's get physical, don't be alarmed, my shit mountain thingy and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (4/9/2010) 33.8 MB  Get chicks using a stick and some string, I nearly died in the trunk of my car, something I tell all my chicks, my weed purchase, a bike ride with Norm, a couple of new ideas, don't be alarmed and much more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (4/2/2010) 31.9 MB  More door-to-door sales, my rubber dong idea with the onboard intercom, my cat food company, suction cups and dildos, I found a set of keys, where two or more are gathered in my name and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast!  (3/26/2010) 31.3 MB  My Ring-O-Death for flies leads to a pleasurable unexpected big score, my sticky sex seal idea, easily determine depth, width and temperature of a very private place, my glass bottom boat scam, my cock ring transmitter gong device, don't be alarmed and much more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (3/19/2010) 33.1 MB  Parachutes, my toilet masterpiece idea, motion detectors at supermarkets, tweet panties, my second call to Jim Rutenberg at American Standard Toilet Corporation, don't be alarmed and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast!  (3/12/2010) 34.8 MB  The community center spaghetti dinner, her flies and the wax ring, my phone call to the vice president of marketing at American Standard, a couple of dildo ideas, don't be alarmed and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (5 March 2010) 31.4 MB   A hundred million people doing it, K2 in the McDonald's toilet, my silly string idea, at the bowling alley, inside the box spring, don't be alarmed and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay!  (22 Jan. 2010) Ice fishing on Lake Cadillac in Cadillac, Michigan!  Read all about it.  Go here! Podcast! (26 Feb. 2010) 30.8 MB  Get the sound of an owl into her subconscious, McCormick salt and pepper shakers, my periscope, chicks with broken bones, things you too can do in a hotel or motel with your old lady, don't be alarmed and much more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (19 Feb. 2010) 29.4 MB   Ice fish and get chicks, too!  Norm recorded this piece while inside a deluxe ice fishing shanty situated atop Lake Cadillac in Cadillac, Michigan. Live on tape in field recording!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (12 Feb. 2010) 28.1 The pelican, my lime and salt portable pleasure kit, fun things you can do in hotel/motel rooms, don't be alarmed and much more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (5 Feb. 2010) 30.1 MB  I'm stuck in a loop with regards to a TV commercial I watched years ago, clean underwear, my U gadget, the ambulance is just through these doors, at the movie theater, fun hotel/motel room ideas and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (29 Jan. 2010) 30.1 MB  The movies, college rings, the hand sanitizers at the mall and the chick that let the luck run out of my horseshoe and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (22 Jan. 2010) 32.2 MB  Chicks with broken bones, my washing machine idea, Redbox, my dry cleaner establishment continued, don't be alarmed, my Nexus One observation and the chick with the flimsy brassiere.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay! (15 Dec. 2009) In my garage working on another invention and Abbey shows up.  Read all about it.  Go here! Podcast!  (15 Jan. 2010) 28.7 MB  Don't be alarmed, Cosmo, my dry cleaning establishment, the chopper at the mall, girls and bathtub speakers, her washer and dryer and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (8 Jan. 2010) 32.0 MB  My late night walks, hunting in Michigan, a couple of great ideas, If I had a daughter, the forty-five year old mattress and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (1/1/2010) 29.5 MB  Live in-field recording direct from the Dawn Dildo factory in Howard City, Michigan!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (12/18/09) 35.0 MB  Walmart, my secret compartment in the floor under the Christmas tree idea, the sound relaxation machine, the Christmas tree on the wheelchair, the flying Christmas tree, the Subway girl and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (11 Dec. 2009) 33.0 MB  My Black & Decker vibrating seat, the race the woman will always win, the vertical Christmas tree with remote, my holiday skirt idea, the bed sheets on Gasparilla Island, when I see chicks and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay (2 Nov. 2009)  At the movies with a woman and we discuss her grandmother and the tragic event that revolved around a 1969 Chrysler Imperial.  Read all about it go here! Podcast (4 Dec. 2009) 31.8 MB  Use parts taken from a hotel/motel toilet and you too can perform the Dyson Donging Maneuver, the diabetic in Miami, my sex toy polishing machine, my belly button experiment, small game hunting in Michigan and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (20 Nov. 2009) 36.6 MB To Tampa I go to get some holiday weed!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (13 Nov. 2009) 30.0 MB  Wintertime emergency tips for chicks, the Play Place at McDonald's, Butterball turkey pop-up timers and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (6 Nov. 2009) Dumpster Writhing! (30.6 MB) At the movies, when I see a girl, the Home Depot (cartoon woman) at the self-checkout, pleasure time at McDonald's and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (30 Oct. 2009) 29.4 MB  The Salvation Army panty purchase, my pumpkin photocell sex thing, homeless women and dumpsters, my last week working as a volunteer at a haunted house and lots more! Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (3 Oct. 2009) I'm not buying pumpkins for the same reason you are.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast! (23 Oct. 2009) 31.5 MB  Her parakeet flew into the open panel that lead to her attic and she wanted me to find it.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (16 Oct. 2009) 30.6 MB  Off the road in a heavy rainstorm I meet up with three women and a man in the early morning hours.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast! (9 Oct. 2009) 31.0 MB  Ten things I watch out for in a woman, I pierced her ear with a carpet needle, my Halloween costume idea, I'm working at a haunted house, my excellent bobbing for apples invention and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (2 Oct. 2009) 31.3 MB  My new invention that connects to your car radiator, a poem, what my stepfather once said that pulled me out of a severe nosedive, wash your hole mole and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay (18 August 2009) Woodstock 1969 and my big dick!  Read all about it go here. Podcast (25 Sept. 2009) Live on tape in-field recording direct from Oak Hill Cemetery!Direct (58.7 MB) Mp3 show link here! Podcast (18 Sept. 2009)  My photographs since I was seven, the water that rushed into the hole, Theodore Bikel, the mall Hurricane, the Fios tech lady, the one gallon canister next to my bed and lots more!  Direct (30MB) Mp3 show link here! Podcast (11 Sept. 2009) Pumpkins and how best to use them, my sixth grade teacher Carol Smith, wash your hole, she wants 12,000 bucks to fix it, my boiling water experiment and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (4 Sept. 2009) The Hurricane contraption at the shopping mall (and my black date), chicks love my tacky two thing, my screened tent on the sands of Clearwater Beach (with the zippered floor) and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (28 Aug. 2009) A hole a day for seven days (and on the seventh day I'll rest), wash your snatch, my wireless butt plug invention, my coke experiment and lots more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (21 August 2009) Something I tell all my chicks, the McDonald's Play Place, Walmart and the three wheeled bicycle, don't play with your food and lots more! (32 MB) Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (14 August 2009) Walnut Hill Cemetery phoned and informed my mother that my stepfather and his water-logged casket had to be moved. Live in-field on tape recording straight from the Laurel Oak Inn!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay (14 July 2009)  Brooke Shields is a whore!  Read all about it go here. Podcast (7 August 2009)  I strap on an Edirol and head over to historic Hoop-A-La Helen's Roll-A-Round Roller Skating Rink.  Exciting and action packed don't miss this live on tape in-field recording direct from this 55-year-old rink.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (31 July 2009) Load blows calculated, we're all mountain climbers, my water saving idea, the redhead went grey, my trip to the dollar store and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (24 July 2009) The beach pillow, the hitchhiker, the ranger, my motion sensor nap safety device, the temporary tooth I made that gets chicks and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (17 July 2009) The rubber raft, Doctor Rosenbury and the bogus tooth, the topless dancer and her kids, the McDonald's belt buckle and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (10 July 2009) Join me at my campsite at Moose River in Maine!  Exciting in-field on tape recording when you click on the show link here. Essay (8 June 2009)  David Carradine and His Dick.  Read all about it.  Go here! Podcast (3 July 2009) My married friend and his old lady, my new improved Slip and Slide idea, my airline musical septic tank scheme, how you too can get out of speeding tickets, my 4th of July underwear cannon and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (26 June 2009) Dear Norm, note to self, Auschwitz and me, find love with my Slip and Slide idea, Rocket Romp and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (19 June 2009) Musket Norm, clicking fingers, my airline septic tank DNA identification probe device, my vibratory pulse fake metal detector chick getter and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (12 June 2009) Clicking fingers again, fun facts, passenger plane septic tanks, TASOG, new inventions and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (5 June 2009) Blow globes, chicks with broken bones, note to self, yellow mustard, glitter, the scary sound chicks make and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay (29 April 2009)  Petula Clark, speeding cars and a woman named Lenore.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (29 May 2009) The nurse practitioner, my buried treasure scam, diaries, old photographs inside headlights and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (22 May 2009) My hinged plywood ceiling board, her constipation story, fun facts, the unique girl sound, the incident with the horseshoe lady (and her big titted twins) and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (15 May 2009) Fun facts, chicks with broken bones, Universal Studios, Pepto-Bismol and my mom and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (8 May 2009) Let's hunt for scrap metal! Live on tape (nighttime) in-field recording using an Edirol R-09!  Direct Mp3 show link here!  (((::IN-STEREO::))) Podcast (1 May 2009) Get women using the sex nickel, the eyeglasses that were missing something, my vibrator vending machine with lots of extra options, my kite making contraption and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (24 April 2009) The sex nickel and her lamp, quick facts, another invention, the woman and her kid at McDonald's and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Essay (27 March 2009)  ANCIENT CRYSTAL DONGS SIMILAR TO THE CRYSTAL SKULL UNEARTHED IN BRITISH HONDURAS IN 1927 LIMITED SUPPLY!  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (17 April 2009) The scissor chick, the outhouse gal, make money from beach sand and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (10 April 2009) I head to Tampa for smoke supplies on a borrowed ten speed bicycle, the chick in the cubicle next to you, my bathroom rubber stamp and lots more! Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (21 Feb. 2009) According to statistics, 73.2 million dildos are sold every year in the United States. If I can get my dildo polisher perfected, patented and operating well I could position my device on every street corner in America. Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (3 April 2009) The parakeet, the girl in the cardboard box and what the woman said to me while we were on the dance floor.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (27 March 2009) My shiny canoe, vittles, the call from the psychiatrist and the glass blower on Clearwater beach.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (20 March 2009) The pelican suffered a heart attack mid-flight.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (13 March 2009) Asleep on the beach with my plastic pumpkin and she woke me up in the most unique way.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (6 March 2009)  She made wooden peace signs and sold them at the beach.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (27 Feb. 2009) It was hidden under the car seat 'til we ran out of gas at the airport.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (20 Feb. 2009)  I've got my arms around a woman and we're lying on a beach and that's when something washes ashore and slams into my balls.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (23 Jan. 2009) Our black president.  Read all about it go here! Podcast (13 Feb. 2009) She asked me to come to her Naples Florida home to help her replace her toilet.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (6 February 2009) The thrift store, The Jitterbug, my subway fall, phoning grandma, AAA and a whole lot more! Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (30 Jan. 2009) She had a second floor helicopter pad and I talk about my latest endeavor with regards to Schindler's Lisp.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (23 Jan. 2009) She was hanging from the rafters inside the ice fishing shanty and then she let go and dropped into the hole.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (8 Jan. 2008) Starbucks has been infiltrated by lesbians and the stockholders ain't gonna take it anymore!  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (16 Jan. 2009) I rent an ice fishing shanty in the upper peninsula of Michigan (Delta County). Live on tape in-field recording using an Edirol R-09.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (9 Jan. 2009) My pulley contraption, her dad is a vegetable and her mom is in an iron lung, the pregnancy test, I woke up with my hand glued to the wall and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (2 January 2009) Fake root balls, Hallmark Cards, the double amputee, the chick that tried to mow me down and the Flapper.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (16 Dec. 2008)  I head to New York for a job interview.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (19 Dec. 2008) Get truckloads of chicks this holiday by building a unique Christmas tree stand that moves the tree vertically up and down.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (15 Dec. 2008)  Unisex barber shops and my job interview in New York.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (7 Nov. 2008) My iPhone, iPod Touch application will be the most downloaded application in Apple history.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (5 Dec. 2008) I ball a Spanish woman behind Vega Ortega's and I talk about my excellent UV penis sterilizer that I developed by altering a UV toothbrush sterilizer.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (28 Nov. 2008) Black Friday at the Wal-Mart and the unexpected lumberjack log roll competition.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (21 Nov. 2008) This year I'm gonna hunt down and shoot my own Thanksgiving day turkey. Live in field recording using an Edirol R-09.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (14 Nov. 2008) At the bowling alley drinking Vernor's Ginger Ale and eating hamburgers and while I'm at the bowling alley I'm putting my latest bowling ball finger filler up hole thingy contraption to work.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (7 Nov. 2008) First the ball bearings went and then they blew up the air compressor of her Select Comfort bed!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (23 Oct. 2008)  Give 'em nothing on Halloween night. Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (31 October 2008) Happy Halloween! In this exciting episode I talk about my holiday employment at a haunted house (I'm a ghost). Additionally I tell you about a woman that called to complain and I talk about how pumpkin love making has kinda caught on for me.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (24 Oct. 2008) I'm working at the haunted house, nitrous oxide pumpkins, she blames me for her Halloween yeast infection and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (17 Oct. 2008) Sexually charged gaseous pumpkins (just follow my easy recipe), vibrator empaths, her dead ferret, pogo sticks and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (4 Oct. 2008) Save money this Halloween.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (10 Oct. 2008)  I'm counting my nose hairs, the sound of pubic hairs being torn out, my Polaroid pictures, the anvil lady (and her snatch lips) and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (3 Oct. 2008) On a boat with Norm fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Live in-field recording using an Edirol R-09!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (13 Sept. 2008) I interview the neighbor of Sarah and Todd Palin.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (26 Sept. 2008) The lady on the beach was wearing her bikini bottom inside out.  I was just being a Good Samaritan.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (19 Sept. 2008) I build a go-kart that will take me to Tampa where a fresh brick of weed awaits me.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (12 Sept. 2008) Clicking my fingers again, the gravy incident, hurricanes and bathing, the beach discovery and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (12 August 2008) My Manhattan project.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (9/5/2008) By 2015 there will be 100 million abandoned, antiquated, worn-out dildos lying about in the United States.  Listen to Norm talk about his amazing dildo recycling idea!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (29 August 2008) The fat whore with the Snickers bar (at the movies), the back to school shoppers at Wal-Mart and don't send me photographs of your big gape.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (22 August 2008) During a flag football game I massaged (and resuscitated) a beaver and then I seesawed the sister.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (15 August 2008) My cousin from Las Vegas and how I broke her pelvic bone.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (8 August 2008) The beehive had to go. Live on tape in-field recording using an Edirol R-09.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (10 June 2008) The iPhone 2.0.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (01 August 2008) The psychiatrist called to say I was, "clinically insane," the bong water and her Encare oval vaginal suppositories and I'm inserting dildos into loaves of bread at supermarkets and it feels real good.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (25 July 2008) The upside down Saint Joseph figurine in a McDonald's cup, I told him it was Gatorade and Finney was gonna drive me to Tampa on his vintage Chinese military motorbike with sidecar (so that I could get my brick of weed) but he pulled the lever instead.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (18 July 2008) I wanted to buy a brick of weed but the moped I used to get to the buy fucked me real good.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (11 July 2008) Women's shoes at the Salvation Army store, the crocheted rooster head egg warmers, his dollar store cactus scheme and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (4 July 2008) My amazing Independence Day underwear cannon and my sister Sandy shows up at all holiday family gatherings and heads straight to the toilet.  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (6/27/2008) The Hohner harmonica, the roach I inhaled, the lady with the enormous asshole, I wasted her parakeet (RK) and loads more!  Direct Mp3 show link here! Podcast (6/20/2008) Six chicks (more even) sent me photographs of their pussies and will pay for my web server for a month provided I eat out their snatch for sixty guaranteed minutes.  I talk about those pictures and a whole lot more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (6/13/2008) Her sick lawn, please empty mommies colostomy bag (In the ocean) and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (6/6/2008) Chicks with broken legs, KY Yours & Mine, I'm snapping my fingers again, strange cracking sounds are coming from my penis and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (24 May 2008) Cunt Clinton.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (5/30/2008) I left my woman in a hotel room for just a short while and when I came back she had a guy in the room and I update you on the status of my guaranteed money making bank robbery scheme.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (23 May 2008) The poodle with the red scarf incident, my shopping cart invention and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (May 1, 2008) She wanted me to repair her Shark.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (May 16, 2008) My latest book: 2.5 Million Fucking Positions, the Starbucks logo controversy, the Target department store help button and lots more! Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (9 May 2008) I look for buried treasure on a beach in Florida only this beach doesn't allow treasure hunters (no metal detectors allowed).  Find out how I thwart beach officials by using my custom detector toboggan, a blowup doll and a zippered vinyl lunch bucket.  Recorded live on tape using an Edirol R-09.  Direct Mp3 show link here.   Podcast (2 May 2008) Clearwater Beach, the movies, Brickhouse and the heel of her shoe, my invention and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (April 25, 2008) They got me on videotape, the Band-Aid I almost swallowed, Cosmopolitan magazine, the shopping cart at Walgreens.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (March 29, 2008) The amazing Sleep Number Bed.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (April 18, 2008) Jim Wilson, the bicycle built for two, her Harley, I took the bus to pick up my package, the clogs and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (April 11, 2008) Her car broke down and I was going to assist her and the story about the rogue wheelchair that slammed into my vintage Caddy (while at the Wal-Mart).  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (April 4, 2008) Get with lots of chicks using my revolutionary breast megaphone sound wave method, the squirrel I helped and how best to use a hacksaw when cutting through bicycle frames.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (March 28, 2008) She phoned from Georgia to tell me that I'm a crybaby.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Feb. 16, 2008) She said I took her parking spot.  It ended in violence with me hiding out near a garbage dumpster for several hours.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (3/22/08) Held against my will in a behavioral science ward.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (March 14, 2008) One out of four teenage American girls and my amplified audio pleasure stick idea with weatherproof speakers.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (March 7, 2008) Her Dormia Space Age foam mattress (continued), remove pesky pubic lice (crabs) from pubic mounds using an inexpensive lint roller, make paper mache toilet seats that collapse when someone sits on them, my lemon cake comment and the mall security guard, I fell off a Wal-Mart exterior wall ladder while carrying a pillowcase chocked full of custom made dildos and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Feb. 29, 2008) I hurt myself by falling into a deep hole, a woman phones me and says I'm Vulgar and I get a free 50 gallon drum of Pliatex casting rubber.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Feb 22, 2008) The defective bed, the buy, my shoes, tooth fillings and lots more.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Feb. 15, 2008) My parking lot ordeal with the angry middle-aged bag. Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Jan. 4, 2008) My date with the prosecuting attorney.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Feb. 8, 2008) More problems from the ice fishing rental guy, her wine store (and my dildo idea), Gloria and the 7-Eleven Incident and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (February 1, 2008) She said I needed ten friends, the toilet flush button, always use a lint roller before handling the genitals of your lover, masking tape, doorbell buttons, at the movies and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Jan. 25, 2008)  I rent an ice fishing shanty on Houghton Lake in Michigan and it eerily resembles a Vietnam hot box.  Help!  (Live in field recording using an Edirol R-09).  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Jan. 18, 2007) The phone call from the woman in Seattle, my long lost nudie Polaroid pictures, my new menopause pad invention, I hit myself in the jaw with a jar of spaghetti sauce and I get flushed out a walk-in bathtub and end up in a Tampa hospital.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Jan. 11, 2008) I drove them to the airport and something bad happened, the attorney and her rewrite demands (regarding my essay), my date stood up at the restaurant and informed me that I wasn't, "Normal,"  my $250 dumping fine and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Jan. 4, 2008) Her kid lit my car on fire, the Christmas beating, dad and the boat and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Dec. 3, 2007) I gave her a sweater.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Dec. 28, 2007) The airplane in the crotch incident, my mood ring observation, my sleep dicking incident, my hand job from the woman living behind Kmart and I played Twister with her kids and her daughter was a Double-D.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (12/21/2007) I'm invited to go on a hunting outing on a rural 500 acre piece of land in upstate New York (near Blue Mountain Lake).  I bring along my .357 handgun and my 12 gauge shotgun.  Be my guest on my special holiday hunt.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (12/14/07) Free Nordstrom gift via helium balloon, paper-mache Christmas tree toppers, Smitten For Clinton, the methane explosion, let's make a snowman, my Christmas lovemaking story.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (12/7/07) The Omaha shooting, create fake (sand filled) paper-mache Christmas gifts (and throw them at people in Wal-Mart parking lots), vacant or occupied, Hanukkah gifts, my doorbell torch gig and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (11/30/07) I talk about my four days working at a Christmas tree lot in Buffalo, New York.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Nov. 16, 2007) I kill my own turkey.  Read all about it.  Go here. BONUS POEM (11/23) - Lake Toho.  I asked her to go on an airboat ride in Orlando Florida and she brought her kid with her.  Direct Mp3 link here. Podcast (Nov. 16, 2007) Learn how to make rock hard, miniature, paper-mache holiday turkeys that you can throw at people and hopefully knock them unconscious.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Oct. 30, 2007) It's Halloween time again and when you destroy jack-o'-lanterns it feels good.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Nov. 9, 2007) I've got my rifle and I'm in a swamp in Florida and I'm gonna take out a woodpecker but the whole thing winds up a grizzly, horrific, unbelievable, bloody mess.  Remote field recording using an Edirol.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Nov. 2, 2007) Chanukah, the death of my dad, attire for pregnant women, their toy, the clogged chicken artery, her acrylic nail.  Direct Mp3 Show link here. Podcast (Oct. 26, 2007) Helpful hints, artificial hips and knees, a sandwich made with heels, walking on sharp tissue and nearly dying, Halloween invention for chicks.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Sept. 29, 2007)  They ain't gonna cave in my fuckin' jack o' lantern.  Read all about it.  Go here Podcast (Oct. 19, 2007) This Halloween get lots of action with my invention, baby poop sifting update, Mathew 18:20, another complaint, masking tape on hotel carpets (what I recently found), and the one place you should be using lint rollers.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Oct. 12, 2007) A game I invented that you and your old lady can participate in together during Halloween and it's like the log roll that lumberjacks compete in but it's for women only and it's a lot more difficult.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Oct. 5, 2007) I destroy a wheelchair strapped to the back of a 1976 Chrysler Cordoba, breasts, germs, pink Energizer batteries and a whole lot more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (Sept. 28, 2007) I try to purchase a couple of White Widow marijuana seeds and the buy goes bad.  Real bad.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (Sept. 4, 2007) At the McDonalds she told me that her father had been eaten by Jeffrey Dahmer in 1991 and then we did it.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Sept. 21, 2007) The unexpected phone call, my dream about Maceland, sleepdicking, breast-feeding and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (9/14/07) She asked me to come over to re-caulk her bathtub, my diaphragm flower pot and while sifting through baby poop in the mall (using my latest money making scheme) I found a coin and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (9/7/2007) When you're walking down the halls and your balls hit the walls and how you can make big money by sifting through baby poop in public restrooms.  Direct mp3 show link here. Podcast (August 31, 2007) How to brick your neighbors router, I caved-in the Toyota Yaris, the best way to return your inkjet cartridges, my (at birth) age advancement idea, facial detection specialists at airports, the big baby bird landed on my hood and the story about the girl that told me her father was eaten by serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (July 27, 2007) Her bath bomb and my latest greeting card.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (August 24, 2007) You aren't ever getting a call on your iPhone, the guy from Vietnam, she asked me to videotape the birth of her child, 18 Wheeler, dead chicks with unfinished business, Ginger Heights and much more!  Direct Mp3 Show link here. Podcast (August 17, 2007) Use masking tape in your hotel room to detect pubic hairs, me naked and standing on a Sit 'n Spin at your bridal shower, if you're pregnant please stop trying to be sexy, get action by putting on a fake garage sale (I'll tell you how), I get an unexpected call from a police detective who suspects that I'm drilling holes into car doors and much more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (August 10, 2007) Rare in the field recording offers step by step instructions on how you too can fill car doors of people you've never met (with cement) and the story about the cat that beheaded my bird friend.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (August 3, 2007) Cloning puppies from the DNA of Doo Drop, my rubber band vibrator idea, the contraceptive sponge, 18 Wheeler, filling car doors with concrete and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. PHOTOGRAPH - DOO DROPS COFFIN Podcast (July 27, 2007) I accidentally pushed my foot through the lid of Doo Drops homemade coffin, I was nearly arrested by a Florida game warden, chicks with broken bones, I found panties in a supermarket, the famous woman that Fed-Exed me the GPS unit and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (June 20, 2007) Greeting card ideas.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (July 20, 2007) In my dream I'm making love in a dumpster, her VCF saved the day, my new living art invention, hymens in amber (fossilized tree resin), scary cracking noises in my private area and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here.  Podcast (July 13, 2007) The unexpected phone call, the Volkswagen, the Ivory Billed Woodpecker and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (July 6, 2007) Pregnant women, Jean Brown, Mister Roboto, my underwear cannon update, the Jet Ski incident and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (June 29, 2007) The Black Widow spider and the Diamondback rattlesnake den, the Canon camera TV commercial, ghosts, my dream with the girl using the walker, my July 4th underwear cannon, my new United States postage stamp invention, the kid bagpiper and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (June 22, 2007) I hate your family and especially your friends, older women looking for younger men (Cougars), Dolphins looking like vibrators, Crest Pro-Health toothpaste and your sexual needs, my Virginia Tech inspired invention and lots more!  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (June 15, 2007) My coming of age speech, the bait box lid knocked her unconscious, the seahorse I killed with my own urine, my empty rubber love pods I left at the motel, my new invention, chicks with broken legs and lots more.  Direct Mp3 show link here.   Essay (May 25, 2007) Friday morning (5/25) I headed over to a pre-Memorial Day party in Tampa.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (June 8, 2007)  My friend the physical therapist, the KFC Big Bowl verses the Big Hole, the comedian Margaret Cho with a brush cut and no lipstick looks just like the Virginia Tech gunman (Cho), Yahoo Answers, the kid that nearly killed me and lots more.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (June 1, 2007) Magazine covers, 100 million people are doing it, Panera Bread, the fish filet incident, at the beach, Wal-Mart, Neosporin, Silverjet, Eclipse Fusion gum, the women only floor at the Marriott.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Podcast (May 25, 2007) She sweeps up hair at Forever 21, Betty Crocker carrot cake mix, my dream, her dog food, Kmart Wall of Honor, the oak hash pipe incident.  Direct Mp3 show link here. Essay (May 2, 2007) She's got a cat and she calls it Sandy.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (May 18, 2007) I spend the day at Universal Studios, Florida.  Direct MP3 show link here.  Podcast (May 11, 2007) The rabbit foot for my mom, my Steak n' Shake dream, the Easy Button, the hearing aid, mood panties, my litmus paper Hallmark card idea and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. My newest song (Feb. 11, 2007)  Anna Nicole Where Are You?  Listen to the MP3 here. Podcast (May 4, 2007) The judge dismisses her case, a hovercraft for her, my constipation invention, the Apple window display, the package I received and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (April 27, 2007) The 29 injured Virginia Tech survivors, chicks with broken bones, I don't care if it's your birthday, honeybees, my handicapped guy in the wheelchair scary movie idea and more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (April 11, 2007)  Podcamp NYC.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (April 20, 2007) Virginia Tech, my underwear in the hotel safe, Rolo candy, her missing fingernail polish.  Direct MP3 show link here.  Podcast (April 13, 2007) The restraining order, my airport search, the big woman on the plane, Miriam, Podcamp NYC.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (April 5, 2007) My new FAA invention, her face peel, more Honda 70 troubles and lots more!  Direct MP3 Show link here. Essay (March 14, 2007) My skin birdhouse idea.  Read all about it.  Go here.  Podcast (March 30, 2007) California Red Bud and someone ratted me out.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (March 24, 2007) I bought the Honda 70 at a flea market and I was going to impress her with my skills.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (March 16, 2007) The electrocution in the Caddy, the self igniting fragrance releasing semen sock, the dog park, supermarket skin, hot wax, a new national registry, the bowling alley and more! Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Mar. 9, 2007) The supermarket, the pelican, the fair, world anthem, my corn cob invention, new semen sock model, chicks with broken legs and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (Feb. 14, 2007) My greeting card invention.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (March 2, 2007) Sometimes I hear my stepfather, toilet bowls, the coffin/casket idea, Quiznos, my sock invention, Wal-Mart Easter baskets, the fat pelican and more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Feb.23, 2007) White teeth, the shopping cart incident, the atomic clock vibrator idea, the syringe I stepped on, her worn toilet plunger handle and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Feb. 16, 2007) The parking lot fight (with a woman), good schools, ice-skating, girls with broken legs, aspirins, fake box of chocolate invention, bowling, his answering machine and more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Feb. 9, 2007) Vending machines for transients, combination book light/vaginal cameras, your cell phone ain't never gonna ring, gumball machines with my prize inside and poor Watson didn't have a chance.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (Jan. 27, 2007)  Emma and my self-adjusting birdhouse.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (February 2, 2007) She needed the air raid siren, she used her Roomba robotic floor vacuum to suck up condoms, free cocaine at the bank, educational vibrators, blue ice, my dinky, how you too can perform delicate sexual moves like a seasoned safecracker, she was violated by someone she trusted and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here.  Podcast (January 26, 2007) Grandma, Sleep Number 69, Morse Code at the mall, red pubes, the locked toilet tank at McDonald's and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (Jan. 10, 2007) It's an unwritten rule of the road.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (January 19, 2007) Toilet training, India, the splits, Sadie's Portraits, the sign at the playground, the kite at Clearwater Beach, her bubble machine and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Jan.12, 2007) Airport toilets, the arts and crafts store and the squirrel buried in the drawer.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast  (Jan. 5, 2007) Stanley Steemer, my door-to-door sales job, programmable panties and lots more!  Direct MP3 Show link here. Essay (Dec. 15, 2006) Christmastime with my mom when I was  a kid in Detroit.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Dec. 29, 2006) A girl I dated while attending college is dead, at the mall and her pants disintegrated, my photographs in the water pipes, vibrating chairs at the mall and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Dec. 22, 2006) Fossils, American Express, iPod Mattress Kit, Heelys, condoms in bookstores and her unusual Xmas tree.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Dec. 15, 2006) Christmastime, Shim-Shin-Do, The Starbucks orgy, the metric system and lots more!  Direct MP3 Show link here. Essay (Dec. 8, 2006)  The woman juggling the cell phone and the girl that wrapped gifts at the mall.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Dec. 8, 2006) The parabolic dish, she was wrapping gifts at the shopping mall, her cat doesn't like me, dust and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here.  Essay (November 30, 2006) I was gonna be the star in her video until I almost burned to death.  Read and see all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Dec. 1, 2006) I've planted hypnotic suggestions into your sleeping kids ear, I don't like your friends or family, they questioned us about our trunk action and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Nov. 24, 2006) My new invention, love in my Cadillac trunk and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (Nov.17, 2006) My custom made just for you shoe store idea, Yankee Candle, Feliz Navidad, love at a bank and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (Nov. 15, 2006) She asked me to help her put her Christmas wreath up.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (Nov. 10, 2006) A psychiatrist calls me, shoes at Nordstrom, miniature golf and the bird lady, the septic tank crying out for help and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (November 3, 2006) Tide-To-Go, the cassette recordings I made as a kid, my Jell-O Jack O' Lantern and Electro Boy.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (November 3, 2006) Hunting for mourning doves with Kathy O'Neil.  Read all about it.  Go here. Video (Oct. 25) Be a baby again, get inside a giant snow globe. See it over at iTunes or click here. Podcast (October 27, 2006) The Halloween hayride (for singles) and the pumpkin you can carve that'll get you chicks (guaranteed). Direct MP3 show link here.  Podcast (October 20, 2006) The basement, Halloween and the stains that became all too clear.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (October 13) It was the last thing I saw before I fell into the furnace and it haunts me.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (October 12, 2006) Shopping for pumpkins and Devils Night in Detroit.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (October 6, 2006) Corn dodgers and cans of beans and the squirrel I screwed up.  Direct mp3 show link here. Podcast (9/29/2006) Using my revolutionary system/method you'll know more about that dead person than you ever did when they were alive.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (10/2/2006) Birds sucked out of birdhouses and shot into foreheads.  Read all about it.  Go here. Essay (9/23/2006)  Her mattress and I'm having second thoughts about helping her.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (9/22/2006) She found a diamond ring.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (9/16/2006)  My latest invention.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (9/16/2006)  Shopping for clothes at Dillard's.  Read all about it.  Go here.  Podcast (9/8/2006) Everyone in America is actually humping one another in a small wooded area.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (9/1/2006) Sarasota, termites, my transparent plaster mousetrap.  Direct MP3 show link here.  Essay (8/29/2006) Her new hump.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (8/27/2006) Gifts for me, my invention, the movies and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (8/18/2006) I worked at a pancake benefit and a retard there nearly got me killed.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (8/11/2006) Metal detecting at the historic park.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (8/11/2006)  My lawnmower had to go and the supermarket incident.  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast  (August 4, 2006) Metal detecting at the historic park, the bowling alley and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Poem (7/31/2006) The loo.  Direct MP3 link here. Essay (7/25/2006)  Her period.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (7/28/2006) Park Rangers, good neighborhoods, chain-of-humping, depression, her rock tumblers and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (7/21/2006) My diary, the Mexican jumping beans and the bird nest, the scab from her kid stunk (and smoked up) my car, Randy, his mom and the whistle and lot's more!  Direct MP3 Podcast show link here. Essay (7/11/2006)  She needed help setting up a Lionel train.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (7/15/2006) At the movies, my arrest, fiber optic fishing, the propane mousetrap and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Podcast (7/7/2006)  I went camping with the daughter of a dead trucker, the portable solar shower, Mac the poodle and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Poem (7/5/2006)  I was digging for worms and then she came out.  Click here to listen. Podcast (6/30/2006) The roller skating rink, salt crystal lamps, the 4th of July with grandmother and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (6/24/2006) Her own termite treatment plan.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast  (6/23/2006)  Your zipper, in the department store restroom, the bird nest invention, the beekeeper and lots more! Direct MP3 Podcast show link here. Dan Klass mentioned me in his popular podcast (The Bitterest Pill).  Hear it here.  Thanks Dan! Podcast (6/16/2006) The wind-up flashlight, the stench of her stitches, the toboggan, the motorized bed and lots more!  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (6/12/2006) Nerf Darts and veneers. Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (6/9/2006)  The wine drinking lovers at the movies, her dentures, Universal Studios and lots more!  Direct MP3 Podcast show link here. Podcast (6/2/2006) Pubic pillows, on the pew with the red head, the laundry basket alongside the highway, KFC and Reese, the restroom inspection form and lots more!  Direct MP3 Podcast show link here. Essay (5/29/06)  The Memorial Day gathering.  Read all about it.  Go here. Podcast (5/26/2006) Models and the subtext of their pose, the sound machine near her bed, sex in a gopher turtle den, the kids toilet in the family restroom (lined with squares of toilet paper) and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Podcast (5/19/2006) The young pinko, the bowling prize, get chicks using the gerbil on the exercise wheel scam, metal detecting and the sexual story behind the book I donated to the Jerome K. Jerome museum.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay (5/15/2006)  At the movies.  Go here. Podcast (5/12/2006)  Mothers day, the cheeseburger fell through the rusted out hole in her floorboards, the maple syrup that wasn't and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Podcast (5/5/2006) The Blair Witch chick, the party bus, a leather mallet between her f-ckin' eyes and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. Podcast (4/28/06)  If Ross hadn't come in I might be brain-dead right now or deceased even and I was called in to identify a pair of panties.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Podcast (4/21)  She called to say I spelled 'thong' wrong, the after-hours Easter party and how the guests (at the party) told stories and laughed and drank 'til it was my turn to tell my story, the walnut engraved box filled with her dead moms hair and lots more.  Direct MP3 show link here. Essay (4/18) The spiral notebook.  Go here. Podcast (4/14)  I was gonna find coins from long lost Spanish Galleons (and jewelry) or maybe just a shark tooth but instead I found some other things, Easter at my grandmothers and the never before told story of my sister Sandy who just can't get enough.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay (4/10) At the movies in America.  Go here. Podcast (4/7/06) There were pubic hairs stuck in the clear coat atop her acrylic nails, Benny the parakeet was killed when the old man shit his pants (again), my metal-detecting anti-rape motion sensor and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay (4/4/06) A telephone call from Sharon Stone?  Go here. Podcast (3/31): Her punky kid ripped my car apart, juggernaut hips, Nora and me ball on the handicap ramp and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Podcast (3/24):  Jerry gets certified, chicks with broken bones, Vivian, Benny the parakeet, her father crapped his pants and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay (3/24): The pie judging competition.  Go here. Podcast:  I trapped a raccoon and he was gonna love me and we were gonna be friends and I was gonna teach him tricks and I was gonna awe and amaze my friends and then the raccoon that was really a rat bit the end of my finger off so he had to f-ckin' die.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  She asked me to install her dishwasher.  Go here. Podcast:  I was gonna score big so long as I transported her new dishwasher to her house and then removed the old one and then installed the new one and then took the old one the f-ck away.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. Podcast:  Mister Clean, hymenoplasty, the foam bed, found panties (and brassiere) and the slip and fall.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Download my hot single, Get It On.  Direct MP3 link here. Podcast:  Hope plus doubt equals desire, the pitching machine, the coffee girl and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. His China lady, inside the trailer, trouble at the theater and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. She worked at the pie factory and she told me to call her Pie Bitch, Valentine's Day, the lady with the space-age foam mattress, great men like Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln didn't swear and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. She's not gonna sue me now thanks to plaster of paris, I found copper coins that were really IUD's, the slot car track, the Morning-after pill, your orgasm face frozen forever for future generations and the bird that probably committed suicide.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. Elexa Freshening Wipes by Trojan, 100 million people doing it in America every day, the dangling modifier and personal pronoun, swearing, the chick that left a permanent impression of her body onto her Dormia foam mattress is suing me, vibrating rings, citizen band radios and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. The Miss America Pageant, the memory foam bed, the panties I found at the mall, the programmable light-emitting diode (LED) belt buckle and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. I'm in the family restroom at the department store and waiting just for me is an abandoned diaper filled with fresh shit.  He died and she says he lit up the room when he'd enter it, Little Boy, Cosmo Magazine, cell phones the post office and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. Dan Klass of The Bitterest Pill and co-author of Podcast Solutions mentioned me in his super popular Podcast.  Thanks Dan! I'm at the restaurant and she says she doesn't like what she sees after she's cracked me open.  My portable toothbrush fiasco, she's in the hospital again (after another suicide attempt), the mouse that had to die, my pigeon, porn and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. I'm at the movies and I'm sitting between two people kissing and petting and on my right the guy looks like the Unabomber and I'm pretty sure he's playing with himself, a trip to the Super Target store, grenades, 50 bullets to my forehead, over confident women and lots more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. My mother phones me and I was invited to a Christmas party and they were telling Christmas stories and they were good touching stories and all American and then they asked me to tell one.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. I met her at the Apple Genius Bar and we drank and then we went to her house in Tampa and she popped the lid on a can filled with sex stuff (Can of Sutra) at which point she proceeded to throw handfuls of body dust at me.  Years ago my woman and I would go metal detecting together and while we were detecting we'd make love in and around all the abandoned buildings we'd explore; plus rubber band gun fights and more.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Essay.  Go here. Two-thirty in the morning and I'm standing inside a Wal-Mart writing Tonight You Die on Etch-A-Sketches and I drop a pair of my underwear inside a Toys For Tots donation box.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. A letter from Cedar Falls, Iowa.  Go here. I put a sex doll that had three love holes inside an inflatable yard decoration and because of that the cops came into my house and found my XLR microphone cable hanging from the closet shelf ( I do the Podcast in the closet) and thought that maybe I was into autoerotic asphyxiation.  My mountain of pus grandmother says I'm a bad seed and she only allows me to use one sheet of toilet paper when visiting.  Shopping for Christmas trees inside Christmas tree tents in Florida must be similar to being inside the Hanoi Hilton, my mom walks like a Nazi and lots more.  20 MB.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.    Essay.  Go here. My California friend Wesley married a woman who once knocked him unconscious with a Coke bottle (while he was sleeping).  Did my dad expire 'cause of a malfunctioning electric blanket?  My flickering electric candle, Baldy my hairless cat, the skeleton costume and how I once fell asleep in a running car (in a closed garage) and was saved from certain death by a pretty red-haired girl named Nancy (but I still ended up in a mental institution).  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. My thinking as to why there isn't going to be a lot of American females rushing to become suicide bombers.  Read my latest essay.  Go here. I went to the movies and settled into my seat with my Nestle Sno-Caps and my iced Coca-Cola and real quick I was overcome by the strong stench of moth balls and I date a chick with a kid and she's buying him a DVD called Baby Genius.  How come all Americans think their kid is above average and brilliant and destined for greatness?  Surely some American kids are just fat, carb consuming idiots who'll never amount to anything.  Probably your kid, even.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.  It's the day after Halloween and she asks me to help her dump her prize winning pumpkin.  Essay.  Go here. A woman living in the United Kingdom phoned me and said that I've been using the word DONG incorrectly.  She informed me that the word DONG when handled properly can be delivered in a sensual, gentle, pleasant manner, unlike the way (according to her) that I've been using it.  I write a song and sing it a-cappella, I also talk about the end of the world, dead cats and a load of other stuff.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.  Song lyrics, HERE.  Dong Song only click here. Essay.  Go here. I met her late at night inside a Subway sandwich shop inside a Wal-Mart Superstore and we ended up donging one one another on the hot asphalt between two parked 50 foot trailers left behind by a couple of big-rigs.  She's gone and I'm thinking now that she might have been the ONE for me.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here.   I used the restroom at the movie theater and thought there might be a camera hidden in the air vent above the toilet (aimed at my dong) and someone left a diaper choked full of shit atop the fold-down baby changing table.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. She says Russian made electromagnetic generators are being used to alter the weather in the United States.  Read my essay.  Go here. I wore the same stinkin' skeleton costume every Halloween for seven years in a row and I think my mom once tried to kill me (On Halloween night).  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Videotapes and the Al-Qaeda.  Read my essay.  Go here. Ann Todd was mine 'til she turned her head and spoke to me and I cut down George's tree house.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. She waited for me on my porch.  Read my essay.  Go here. I stumble across a rare (if not extinct) Ivory-billed Woodpecker while walking through a swamp near my home.  Direct MP3 link here. They dug her great grandmother up and I'm not gonna get robbed when I'm dead and laying in the funeral parlor.  Direct MP3 Link here.  At a nightclub in Tarpon Springs with Sylvia.  Read all about it here. I sent away for a egg incubator from a comic book and the lady living next door tells me how hard they're trying to have a baby.  Direct MP3 link here. On first loves and Sue and Nora in Michigan.  Read the essay here. A 400 pound dolphin charged me and nearly took off my testicles.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Donna Lindsey, the fair outhouse, the squirrel I took out and my dad the drinker.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. It's the 4th of July and I'm at my grandmothers house.  Read the essay here. On the 4th of July we hid and when I was a kid my mom referred to my penis as, "Your dinky".  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. I had five years of piano lessons and can't remember even one note and I used to remove the dead cats from under our rented house in Detroit.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. For the 4th of July I'm shooting underwear into the sky.  Read my essay.  Go here. My mom threw Duke's frozen body over the fence, the church bake sale, I helped a chick change her tire and my unique  invention that will prevent me from getting raped when I'm dead and lying on the slab at the funeral parlor.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. I date this girl in Tampa, my favorite Taco Bell is now a porn place and Wes, my friend from California, would like me to mail him a few plates of stuffed Grape Leaves.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. She doesn't want anything to do with a vibrator designed and manufactured by men.  I use bits and pieces of our conversation and assemble them into an essay.  Go here. My friend from California finally leaves, thoughts of my beautiful English ex-girlfriend and my starving friend with no money buys a paper shredder.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Memorial day with grandma and my university friend.  Go here. He's visiting from California for the holiday weekend and he's here for three days and an hour into it I want him to go home.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. Mating positions, Marbles, 7-Eleven Slurpees, my mom and Memorial Day.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. A day at Clearwater Beach Florida, the pregnancy test and the overweight dancer.  Go here. She was my Aunt Doris and I did some yard work for her and it went on for three days.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. My hamster died and I'm gonna give it a burial-at-sea.  Podcast from Clearwater Beach Florida.  Direct MP3 link here. Turtles for sale and romance in a dog park.  Direct MP3 Podcast link here. I was gonna impress her with my fastball.  Go here. Her teeth were gone but I still wanted her.  Go here. Mother's Day and the birdhouse, my cat, getting porked when I'm dead, the frozen drink machine and skeletons.  Direct MP3 Podcast link. (See photo of Baldy the hairless cat and the birdhouse I made for my mother for Mother's day). She had her picture on her Visa charge card.  Go here. They were bonding at the ceramic shop and I found some weed in a salt shaker at the Salvation Army Store.  MP3 Direct Podcast link.  Roller skating.  Go here. I met her at the tire store.  Go here. We drank coffee at Starbuck's in the International Plaza in Tampa, Florida.  Go here. Eileen and me.  Go here. I met Lorrie Lynn at a Sunoco gas station and she asked me to stop by on Christmas day.  Read all about it.  Go here. Thanksgiving day in Miami with my grandmother (and friends).  Go here. Time spent at the shopping mall.  Go here. Halloween is over and now you've got a used-up jack-o'-lantern on your hands.  Read about my dad.  Go here. She was a somewhat elderly woman and she liked the company of your correspondent.  Go here. What I was doing as Hurricane Ivan approached.  Go here. I was selected to work for the 2004 Republican National Convention Host Committee.  I hid a camera in my sock and flew posthaste to New York city.  Go here. What I did during Hurricane Charley.  Go here. Teresa Heinz Kerry, Laura Bush, John Kerry and beer.  Go here. Camping in Key West, Florida.  Go here. I met Madison in the sporting goods department at a Wal-Mart.  Read all about it...Go here. Monkey chow and adult diapers (for hips size 40-55).  Read all about it...Go here.  I found an interesting shopping list at Wal-Mart and studied it and learned a great deal about the life of it's author.  Read all about it...Go here. Ice fishing in Big Rapids, Michigan...Go here. Little candy Valentines and cheese fondues and some dude going headfirst through a windshield...Go here. It's a singles club meeting...Go here. I was at the shopping mall and I went into the restroom.  I hope you never see what I saw.  Read all about it.  Go here. Read the picture book,  HALLOWEEN AT GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE.  Go here. They were my family and now they're stars in my Christmas picture book!  Read, CHRISTMAS WITH The McFARLANE'S. He's been laid off and it ain't good.  Read about Hank's fall and rise.  Go here. If you're into holiday keepsakes check out, THE ORNAMENT. Spend some time with a necessary dreamer.  Enter the world of ROOTY ROGERS.   SAMUEL ROSS is 87 years old. His family wanted the best for him so they sent him to Sandy Acres retirement home located in the Sahara Desert, North Africa.  Read this gripping first person account of his terrifying ordeal... Driving through Waldo, Florida?  Maybe you'll meet up with the law.  I did.  Come and meet CHIEF A.W. SMITH in this true tale. Finding a job isn't easy, especially with the Human Resource Professional standing in your way.  Check out the picture book, A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A HUMAN RESOURCE PROFESSIONAL. If you've ever fished, read ICE FISHING, the short story. Now I must get going. I've got loads of stories to write and hopefully forty or fifty years left in which to write them. Best,