http://www.normaugustinus.com/ Comical essays from the mind of Norm Augustinus. en-us Copyright 2010 Norm Augustinus Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:31:22 GMT Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:31:22 GMT http://cyber.law.harvard.edu/rss/rss.html Handmade by Norm Augustinus normaugustinus@gmail.com (Norm Augustinus) normaugustinus@gmail.com (Norm Augustinus) http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary273.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary273.htm Ice fishing on Lake Cadillac in Cadillac, Michigan! Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:31:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary272.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary272.htm They drink up my secret potion and they become impervious to flames! Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:31:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary271.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary271.htm At the movies with a woman and we discuss her grandmother and the tragic event that revolved around a 1969 Chrysler Imperial. Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:34:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary270.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary270.htm My pumpkins will not be placed on my porch. Sat, 03 Oct 2009 21:34:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary269.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary269.htm Things I would have done to meet hippie girls if I were at the 1969 Woodstock concert! Tue, 18 Aug 2009 05:05:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary268.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary268.htm Brooke Shields is a whore. Tue, 14 Jul 2009 20:25:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary267.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary267.htm If they used my breakable rope in hotel room curtains nobody would be able to hang themselves. Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:45:22 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary266.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary266.htm When I was a kid 'Downtown' by Petula Clark was big. All the radio stations played it. I liked it. Though I wasn't really sure where I might find 'Downtown', Petula Clark made me want to go there. Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:04:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary265.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary265.htm I've had it with you. The ridiculous inventions. The endless hours. Don't you ever sleep? I need eight hours a night. I told you that. What the hell are you and who in the hell can smoke a brick of weed in a day? Fri, 27 Mar 2009 05:05:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary264.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary264.htm According to statistics, 73.2 million dildos are sold every year in the United States. If I can get my dildo polisher perfected, patented and operating well I could position my device on every street corner in America. Sat, 21 Feb 2009 17:20:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary263.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary263.htm Imagine an American Indian as president of the United States. A skinny, all-American, white robed, bearded, turban wearing, mumbling Deepok Chopra wannabe standing at the presidential podium for four years wagging his/her long nailed greasy finger about... Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:55:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary262.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary262.htm Starbucks has been infiltrated by lesbians and the stockholders ain't gonna take it anymore. Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:09:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary261.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary261.htm It's Wednesday December 10th and I'm in New York and I'm staying at the Milford Plaza on 45th and Eighth Street. I've got an interview at a national radio station on Thursday December 11th and I want to be as relaxed as possible so I phone a couple of women I know in the Manhattan area and to my surprise one of them agrees to visit with me while I'm at the hotel. Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary260.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary260.htm It's a few minutes before three o'clock in the morning and I'm working in my garage and while I'm working in my garage I hear the slam of a car door. Right quick I stand and switch off the radio and before I have a chance to turn off the light and (play dead) the person that slammed the car door says... Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary259.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary259.htm Loosing your house or car to the bank? Unemployed? Worried? Scared? Considering suicide? No sweat. You can be emotionally hurting and heading toward complete and total ruin but you can give out candy this Halloween and (look just like your fuckin' financially flush neighbor) while you're doing it. Sound to good to be true? Here's how.. Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary258.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary258.htm I am in my garage and it is two hours and forty five minutes past midnight and when it is nearly three in the morning I hear a car pull into my driveway. I'm pretty sure I know who it is and before I have a chance to switch off the light and (play dead) she says... Sat, 04 Oct 2008 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary257.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary257.htm As Santa, I'm pretending to be someone that never existed and hoping my portrayal is accurate but I know it can't be accurate because the person I'm portraying isn't real but I need to be as real as I can be otherwise the punks will see through my lame act even though they've never seen the actual Santa Claus either. It can be frustrating. I'm 71-years-old and I haven't figured out who I am yet and I'm pretending to be someone that's loving and generous and well assembled but I wouldn't loan anyone a quarter for a phone call and the last woman I loved I threw face first through the glass door of a walnut gun cabinet. Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary256.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary256.htm It's two thirty six in the morning and I am in my garage working on a contraption that connects to a helium balloon and while I work on my contraption I oftentimes stop and drink from the Budweiser bottle sitting on the cement floor and while my lips are on the bottle I turn my attention to the television and while I'm watching the television I hear the motor of a car and then the open and close of a car door. Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary255.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary255.htm When I pick her up in in my vintage Caddy she kisses me and while she is kissing me she holds my chin and I am trying to break free of her hold by moving my head left and then right but it does no good. When she is done kissing me she releases her powerful girl grip and says... Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary254.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary254.htm I'm almost always afraid of meeting or conversing with a woman. Usually I aim a clean-cut smile at them and keep walking or if I have to engage in a conversation I fake it for as long as I can and then I excuse myself and then head off to the toilet (never to return). Sat, 24 May 2008 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary253.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary253.htm Knocks or doorbells or even hearing my name called kinda scares me so I try to get my mind right and when I think it's right I change the sound of my voice (I make it more manly and I pause a full second between each word) and then I say... Thu, 01 May 2008 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary252.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary252.htm Near the register is a big red button (mounted to the wall) and I'm thinking that maybe the red button is used when they encounter someone like me so I retool my delivery... Sat, 29 Mar 2008 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary251.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary251.htm I'm thinking my Janis has probably been married a couple of times. I figure that more than likely I'm staring down the foaming mouth of a divorced, Paxiled out, tranquilized cow, the irresponsible isolated mother of at least one unfortunate equally confused child. Sat, 16 Feb 2008 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary250.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary250.htm She is better to look at now than when I first met her at the supermarket. Her clothes are different and she has sprayed perfume onto herself. Additionally her lips are shiny and she has put her long yellow hair into a bun and it is protruding from the back of her head and some of the hair is resting on her chest and she sorta feels like the alt-dimension half sister of Vicki Gunvalson from the TV show The Real Housewives of Orange County. Fri, 04 Jan 2008 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary249.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary249.htm She wanted a ring. I knew she wanted a ring but I gave her a sweater. It was Christmastime and it was a big box made for a sweater and I had it wrapped and there was a red bow on it and when I gave it to her I'm pretty sure that she was thinking that there was a smaller box inside the big sweater box and she pretended to appreciate the sweater but she kept looking for the ring and I can still see (and feel) her disappointment when there was no ring and it was painful to give her the sweater and no ring but at the same time it felt good to hurt her. Mon, 03 Dec 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary248.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary248.htm When I point my finger at you I want you to turn the volume all the way up and at that moment I'll start moving my ass back and forth and the turkey is gonna see my dick moving about and he's going to get real scared 'cause of the loud Techno and the sight of a big worm moving around in front of him and then after maybe eight minutes of watching my bouncing prick the bird should drop dead. Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary247.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary247.htm Try to imagine what it must be like to invest time, effort and money into a pumpkin only to find that very pumpkin in pieces (on your porch or on your driveway or on your street). A few years ago I dreamed I'd kicked-in the biggest jack-o'-lantern in the world and when I was done I ran and I ran and I ran and while I was running I laughed aloud and at a certain point I cried aloud too but through it all I just kept running. Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary246.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary246.htm I know better than to let her in. She won't like what I'm doing and she'll hammer me with a lot of questions and when I answer them to the best of my ability she'll sit somewhere near me and she won't say anything for a long time and eventually when I look up and into her eyes I'll see a woman that feels sorry for the man that she's looking at and somehow it'll lead to the two of us fucking between my homemade electric lawnmower and my plywood go-cart or maybe atop the nylon reinforced garden hose but most likely we'll stand and fuck against the garage wall and while we're fucking I'll recite impromptu poetry into her girl ear. Sat, 29 Sep 2007 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary245.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary245.htm I'm still massaging her pie and while I'm doing it I'm thinking about how she smells like french fries and while I'm thinking that she smells like fries I'm looking at the photo and while I'm looking at it she's crying and while she's crying her hips are moving up and down. Tue, 04 Sep 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary244.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary244.htm She drops her panties to her feet and kicks them into the next room and then lowers herself into the warm soapy water and when she's in the tub she starts moving her big hand about looking for the Sex Bomb. Fri, 27 Jul 2007 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary243.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary243.htm Remember that time your parents were away and how I came by your house with flowers and candy and you weren't expecting me and my heart was racing 'cause I couldn't wait to see you and when I looked in the big glass window expecting to see you asleep in front of the fireplace I saw you getting humped on all fours by an extremely muscular black man on the handmade Indian rug I bought for your parents? Wed, 20 Jun 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary242.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary242.htm On the wall In front of me is a ceiling mounted camera and it moves toward where I am standing and I can hear the motor as the camera moves and when it stops the lens spins left and then right and when it stops I hear the voice of a woman... Fri, 25 May 2007 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary241.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary241.htm She's got smokers voice deep and kinda raspy but still female sounding and when she talks I'm wondering how much longer it will sound female and I'm thinking that when her voice gets really beat-up sounding (from her smoking and drinking) she won't be my type anymore. Wed, 02 May 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary240.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary240.htm Perhaps the best part of the entire unconference is the walk up and down the small staircase between the third and fourth floor. It was creepy and dark and real and somehow reminded me of an attraction at Universal Studios. Wed, 11 Apr 2007 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary239.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary239.htm I've given you permission to enter me and that in itself is sacred. Of course after you enter me there's the remote possibility of a pregnancy. From there I've got to be somewhat concerned with the likelihood of contracting a socially transmitted disease. Lastly, let's not forget the emotional turmoil of whatever relationship we may have together. Now, added into that mix is you pulling down my panties and as you're pulling them down and kissing my thighs you're telling me how you'd like to make skin houses for fuckin' birds. Put my panties back on my gut is telling me you're trouble with a capital TEE. Wed, 14 Mar 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary238.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary238.htm She asks to see my greeting card invention again and then after a couple of seconds and a long drawn out exhalation of air from her good female lungs she says... Wed, 14 Feb 2007 18:18:28 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary237.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary237.htm When the perch is pushed down the hole gets bigger. When the perch goes up the hole gets smaller. It works using the weight of the bird. Big birds weigh more than little birds. When the mommy bird steps on the perch she'll get a custom sized hole made just for her body size. Sat, 27 Jan 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary236.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary236.htm I'm surprised at how attractive she is. I've helped stranded women before but because they were so damn ugly I've (on more than one occasion) deliberately caused more damage to their car than they had before I arrived (I once shoved a dead wolverine (road kill) into the place where the air filter goes while an extremely ugly fat American whore talked on her cell phone and ate a Subway sandwich. I ain't f-ckin AAA). Wed, 10 Jan 2007 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary235.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary235.htm My mother would frequently steam open letters written to my father prior to their divorce using a kettle on the stove. When the water reached a full boil steam would come out of a tiny hole in the nozzle and the kettle would whistle. One year while she was away I filled the kettle and turned on the gas. While the kettle whistled I held a small wrapped Christmas gift above the steam hoping to loosen the tape but unfortunately it was wrapped with some kind of plastic-like paper and a large area melted through. Desperate, I placed the gift atop a heat register close to where I had originally found it. Fri, 15 Dec 2006 08:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary234.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary234.htm Why would I want to meet up with a chick in the ladies room, especially if the floor is wet and the toilet is plugged? That's sexy? C'mon Norm, you're supposed to overlook stuff like that when you're overcome by desire. It shouldn't matter if all the toilets were plugged. If there's a chick in here and she's waiting for you to hell with stuff like that. Unzip and ball her. Lie down on the wet floor even. Maybe all the up and down motion will cause the two of you to hydroplane from one end of the toilet to the other. C'mon Norm. I can understand how it might be easy to ignore the plugged toilet and the odor and all the water on the floor but won't it become painfully obvious after the both of us simultaneously experience massive orgasms? I couldn't feel my feet for just a sec and I'm still reeling in aftergasms honey, she'll say. Good for you and me too punkin' but jeez does it smell like shit in here and is that wet toilet paper lodged in your pubic mound and look at your sundress it's soaked right through. Fri, 08 Dec 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary233.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary233.htm This is great. Candice is good to look at and she's got good female hands and I like her perfume and I don't have to do anything except sit and watch something shiny move about. Maybe afterward as a sort of payment she'll ball me. That would be nice. She'll have the shots she wants in the can and we'll watch them on the monitor and while we're watching them on the monitor she'll glance over at me and notice that my lip is trembling and without even realizing it her lip will start trembling too and before we know it we'll be porking one another in the trunk of my Cadillac. It's the holiday season, Christmas is coming and I'll be in the trunk of my car blowing my load. Jesus it's good to be an American. The opportunities are endless and on every corner. While she's setting things up why not sing a song to yourself? Yeah, a song. Sing it Norm: Christmastime is here... Pleasure is near. Pull your dick out, it's like a pig snout... In the trunk of Caddy, I'll be your daddy... In and out, a sexual love bout. Thu, 30 Nov 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary232.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary232.htm Her husband expects her to be pretty and sweet and to be ready for sex at all times. Damn that sounds like, me. Be pretty and sweet and ready for sex at all times. I think I like this guy. No, I love this guy. Sometimes he spanks her? Christ that kills the evening. I planned on spanking you myself (after I hang the wreath), now what the hell am I supposed to do? I wonder if any of her neighbors snapped any pictures of her running down the street wearing just panties? Maybe later on you could go door to door and makes some inquiries. Hello I'm the divorce attorney for Audrey M. Do you have any pictures of her running naked wearing only panties? Video perhaps? We'd like to enlarge them (poster size prints) or transfer the video to 35mm film to help her case. Thanks for your time. C'mon Norm. She believes in you. She's having a hard time. You're helping her with a Christmas wreath (and her two kids are watching you through their bedroom windows) and you're thinking about spankings and underwear. Show her that men are honorable. Put the wreath up and forget about the hand job you hoped she'd give you. Be a man. Be mature. Stop thinking about how her tits probably flopped up and down as she ran down the street (out of fear). Stop thinking about how red her small ass cheeks were from the spanking. This is practically Christmas, man. You disgust me Norman. Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary231.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary231.htm Doves have weak feet and can't scratch through heavy vegetation when looking for food. I plant millet, corn, sunflowers and rye in the summer (dove fields) and I mow and disk the crops in the fall and the seed falls onto the ground and that brings the migratory doves. Fri, 03 Nov 2006 08:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary230.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary230.htm Is that all a man and woman have in common? I've got my dick and you've got your tits and enormous snatch and I've helped you with yard decorations and you've made me a pie and fed me chicken and coleslaw and now we gotta go in your room and ball each other. If we don't do that then what do we do? Thanks for the pie Red, bye. Appreciate your help Norm, bye. If we don't go in her room (holding hands as we walk to that room) and ball one another then what? C'mon Norm. She thinks enough of you to wanna pork you and who knows what else and here you sit trying to understand it. Pork her! Pork her good and when you're done porking her you can throw the pumpkin pie at the framed photographs (her family and friends) hanging on her bedroom wall. Mon, 23 Oct 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary229.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary229.htm She wants to find a pumpkin and make a homemade pumpkin pie. I've done this once before. Years ago my hump and I were cutting a pumpkin into small pieces (per the recipe) and we ended up balling one another on the kitchen floor (When we were done with the humping neither of us had any interest in finishing the pie so we chucked it and I went home less one load). Thu, 12 Oct 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary228.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary228.htm I feel like I'm acting. Like everything we're doing and saying is right out of a scripted TV commercial or a Lifetime for Women TV movie. Picnic baskets and cornbread and pie. I'd like to stop paddling and lean hard to the port side and drop into the lake and maybe sink to the bottom. In Utica, Michigan there were commercial sand and gravel pits and wire cables were stretched high above them spanning the length of the water filled pit and once I tried to cross one hand over hand but I got tired midway and fell a couple of hundred feet into the water and I remember how cold the water got as I went deeper and deeper and how I initially felt panicky but then I didn't and when I stopped descending I just floated in the darkness and I remember how I could hear my heart beat. Mon, 02 Oct 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary227.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary227.htm Drop the mattress Norman and climb inside the trunk of your car and whack off and when you climb out (of the trunk) you won't have even an iota of interest in her. Yeah now that's smart. Blow your load, drop the mattress and push the gas pedal of the Caddy to the floor and get the f-ck out of here while you still can. It's gonna be hell to get it up on the roof of the car and it's gonna be even harder to secure it and then more than likely she'll make you unload it. Of course you'll probably offer to take the old cum stained mattress away too. Sat, 23 Sep 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary226.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary226.htm Remember that time when you were a little boy and mom dumped you at the department store and drove away 'cause we didn't have any money and she thought you'd be better off? Maybe it wasn't the money thing at all maybe she thought she'd be better off. Sat, 16 Sep 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary225.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary225.htm When I stand behind the microphone I'm thinking of her and not of the poem I'm supposed to read and while I'm adjusting the microphone I'm seeing her naked and lying atop her Dormia space-age foam mattress while Wladyslaw Szpilman comes from the speakers of her wall mounted CD player. Tue, 29 Aug 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary224.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary224.htm Hello everyone I'm Norm Augustinus and this conjoined series of pipe cleaners was designed to be slid over my prick and this pipe cleaner I'm now holding is really just a pipe cleaner I've bent into the shape of a hook 'cause I frequently smoke my hash pipe while I'm sitting on the toilet and sometimes I drop the pipe into the toilet and I figure that with the aid of this hook I'll be able to fish out the pipe without getting my hands wet. Fri, 11 Aug 2006 16:16:38 GMT http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary223.htm http://www.normaugustinus.com/diary223.htm Shit she wants me. She really just met me and already she wants to spend the weekend with me. I mean, we're adults she must know what happens when adults get together. More than likely we'll be walking along the lake at my married friends house and we'll talk and eventually we'll stop talking and maybe gaze at the moon and while we're looking at the moon we'll laugh about how many times I fell off the Jet Ski and right about then I'll pull my pulsating prick out and she'll see it and of course she'll be scared, but then after the initial shock of seeing it (throbbing in the moonlight), she won't be scared anymore she'll be downright happy and right quick we'll hump one another again and again and again. Tue, 25 Jul 2006 16:16:38 GMT