Monday 8 June 2009
	My David Carradine Invention.
	It is 2:37 in the morning and I am in my garage and I am working on an invention and while I am working on my invention I hear the sound of a car door open and while the car door is open I turn off the garage light and switch off the portable battery powered radio.  When the car door is slammed shut I hear the four inch heels of her Donna Karan zipper shoes hitting the cement and when the heels stop making contact with the cement she knocks on the garage door and while she's knocking on the garage door she says: "I know you're in there Norman I saw the light on." I push the lit end of my cigarette into a wad of bubble gum that I was chewing wanting to extinguish any and all traces of discernable light. She says: "I don't deserve this, Norman." When she says, "I don't deserve this, Norman," I'm thinking about a line William Muny used just before shooting Little Bill in the motion picture Unforgiven:  "Deserves got nothing to do with it." She says: "Open the door, asshole." We play this game with regards to all her late night unexpected visits.  She knows I'm in the garage.  I pretend I'm not in the garage. I say: "Okay." She says: "Okay what?" I switch on the garage light and when it's switched on I say: "Gimme a minute."  She says: "That's more like it."   When I open the garage door she storms the room like a infantryman landing on Omaha Beach. She says: "Where is she?" I say: "I'm alone." She says: "Alone?" I say: "See for yourself." She says: "Another ridiculous invention?" I say: "Yep." She says: "I almost wish there was a woman in here with you, Norman.  That I can understand." "My inventions aren't ridiculous," I say. She says: "Where is it?" I'm lighting my cigarette and inhaling and when I exhale all the air from my lungs I say: "The work table." My late night visitor aims her Donna Karan zipper shoes to my work table, walks around the table several times (clockwise then counterclockwise) and then when she's done with her inspection she says: "What's this?" I say: "That's my latest invention." She says: "String?" I say: "That's rope.  Thinner rope, but it's rope."  She says: "For what?" I say: "David Carradine was recently found in a hotel room in Thailand with rope from his hotel room curtains wrapped around his neck and prick.  My rope invention could have prevented his death." She drops the string and says: "I'm calling daddy."   Her father is wealthy and famous and owns a summer home on Gasparilla island. I say:  "That string can only handle the load of about twenty-five pounds." Her cell phone is in her hand and it is flipped open and while it is flipped open she says: "So?" I say: "If they used my breakable rope in hotel room curtains nobody would be able to lynch themselves." She closes her phone and drops it into her Chloe Paddington purse. She says: "What does that mean?" I say: "Do you really need a big padlock and key hanging from your purse?" She says: "Finish what you were saying." I say: "My breakable rope allows hotel/motel guests to operate hotel/motel room curtains like they normally would but if the ropes are removed from those hotel/motel room curtains and wrapped around sweaty necks and pulsating pricks by horny guests in need of a world shaking orgasm my patented  breakable curtain rope will malfunction.  When the hangee tries to string themselves up in their quest for the ultimate orgasm my curtain rope will break right quick 'cause it only has a twenty-five pound load ratio and onto the hotel/motel room floor they will fall.  Had David Carradine used my breakable curtain rope when he strung up his sweaty, throbbing prick he'd probably be alive today. She says: "I've had enough." I say: "All those good looking, big titted, full lipped, perfumed, 16-year-old sexually experienced gooks in Bangkok and David Carradine is in the closet with a greasy cord wrapped around his dick.  It doesn't make sense." She says: "Daddy was hoping you'd come to a gathering on the island on Saturday but I'm gonna tell him you're busy." I say: "But I ain't busy." She's out the garage door and nearly to her car when she says: "Pricks and breakable rope and orgasms and big breasted Bangkok girls I'm outta here, Norman." She is backing her car out of my driveway when I yell: "Someday the Carradine Cord will be the premier rope used in all hotel/motel curtain fixtures." NOTE: I'm wrapping my experimental breakable curtain cord around my dick as I write this.  As noted above, I intend on calling my invention the Carradine Cord. Gook:  (From Wikipedia) Derogatory term for Asians, used especially for enemy soldiers. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays